Or your enemies, as long as they aren't armed. Geek pranks for tomorrow. Excerpt:
3. Hijack Firefox with the Total Confusion Pack Extension (Enabled on April 1st Only)
rickrolled.png Your victim use Firefox? Install the "Total Confusion Pack" Firefox extension, which enables the following "features" on April 1st only:
* Two Steps Back: Make the back button go back twice—not every time, but only on random instances.
* Rick Rollr: Switch out 2% of the video clips your victim watches with the infamous Rick Astley video.
* The Devil's Inbox: Make the number of unread email in your victim's Gmail inbox exactly 666.
* Highs and Lows/Sarcarsm Enhancer/For real: Add LOL, *sigh*, "for real," "Whatever" and various other commentary to web page text.
* Watch it: Make it look as if the page was loading forever. (Now this is just plain mean.)
There's more. Much, much more. Mheh.
And by interesting I mean complete bullshit. From Neal Boortz:
Last week Barack Obama met with top executives of US banks. This was his message to the banks: bonuses are not acceptable.
That's right. Not just "excessive" bonuses or bonuses paid with bailout money. But bonuses. Period. They are unacceptable while other Americans are struggling to make ends meet.
Really? Well this American, while no longer employed by a US bank, put his bonus to good use, paying off some accumulated debt and stashing some more into savings.
You know what I find unacceptable? A POTUS who sees fit to dictate actions to individuals and businesses in this country.
What about the banks who took the TARP money, you say? Shouldn't the government be given oversight into their operation? Normally I'd say that you have a point, except that banks who wanted to decline acceptance of said funds were told that that was not an option. Here's how it goes:
1) Government "offers" some money to banks who made stupid loan decisions.
2) Bank decides that its balance sheets are already leveling out and therefore declines the money from the government.
3) Government strong arms bank into taking the money, saying that it is not allowed to decline the money.
4) Government then claims ability to tell bank how to run its business owing to the bank's acceptance of money.
All I can say is that it's good work if you can get it. I hear that some neighborhood lending institutions** work in pretty much the same way.
** If I have to explain that phrase to you, you really need to get out more.
Well, I'm still waiting for my pony that shits rainbows. Until it arrives, I thought that I'd repost some old, bad jokes.
Yeah, I know: I'm a giver.
Did you hear the one about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?
The newspaper headlines read "small medium at large."
An American businessman is visiting Japan.
The first night there, he's getting bored, so he hires a local hooker and they go at it all night. She keeps screaming "Fugifoo! Fugifoo!" and he takes this to mean he's doing something right.
The next day, he's out golfing with his Japanese clients and shoots a hole in one! He can't believe it, and, trying to impress his clients with his knowledge of Japanese, he shouts triumphantly, "Fugifoo!"
The Japanese guys stop and look at him, confused. "What are you talking about?" they ask. "That's the right hole."
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said,"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought,"I don't fucking think so."
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him. They kiss....and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy l-o-v-e.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the after glow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me
home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
For those of you who didn't watch Christian Laettner break Rick Pitino's heart in the NCAA regional final, the following will be essentially meaningless to you. For all others, well, whether or not you hate/love the Blue Devils, this should make you laugh.
Update: Watch this before watching the commercial below. It will provide the context. Besides, it's truly a beautiful sight to behold.
I see that Eric Cantor voted FOR the unconstitutional bill of attainder retroactive tax on the AIG bonuses. He is now dead to me. Mrs. Hill at Rachel Lucas' place is looking for a needle of rationale in this haystack of bullshit. However, there isn't one. As much as I oppose pretty much all the Democrats are doing, I will offer my money and my time to Cantor's Democratic opponent in 2010.
He's my representative in Congress, but he won't be come 1/20/2011 if I have my way. Fucker.
One positive- okay, maybe the only positive- aspect of Obama's campaign and subsequent election is having Jim Treacher poking his head out of his blogging hole more frequently. Here's the esteemed Mr. Treacher following up on Obama's, err, interesting appearance on the Tonight Show last nigh. Here are few other things Obama might have saidt:
- "Kevin Eubanks, how are ya, man? Is Jay letting you come in through the front entrance yet? No? It's okay, I do the same thing to Biden."
- Yeah, John McCain and I get along. Although he always freezes me out when I try to give him a high five! [audience groans] What, too soon?"
- "Sarah Palin and I don't talk much, 'cause I don't speak Tardese. 'Doy! Durr! Look at my dumb baby!' [audience member boos] Oh, lighten up."
- "Another great thing about LA is all the fags. [audience hisses] OK, OK, Faggot-Americans. Hey, I got no problem with it. After all, I did hire Rahm Emmanuel!"
- "You know what cracks me up? Chinese people. [sticks front teeth over bottom lip and pushes back corners of eyes] 'Herro, Mistel Plesident!'"
I don't feel obligated to link to the cesspool of insanity it has become, but John Cole is full of the righteousness of his position on the Democrats essentially ending the filibuster for legislation. My comment, awaiting moderation, may or may not slip through. I'll post it below, after I reach into the wayback machine to show things were different back in the day.
Update: Obviously, John Cole and I disagree over the whole filibuster thing. Excerpt:As for the filibuster bullshit, we slit our own damned throats with that. I would like an up or down vote on nominees, but I just don't have it in me to lie about the situation.
We changed the rules of the game, and then acted all shocked when the Democrats (who are in no way without sin) got pissed. We stopped the blue slips and other options once we became the majority. The Constitutional issue is nothing more than nonsense to sell the naked power grab, and that is what it was. Bush never expected for all of his judges to get confirmed- no reasonable President would.
See, here's where I think that John might not be seeing the big picture. Does he really think that the next time the Democrats hold the power in the Senate that they won't change the Senate rules to suit their purposes? After all, Robert Byrd did it in the not so distant past, reducing the number of votes for cloture from 67 down to 60.
Let's go all out in this example. Hillary becomes president in 2008 and the Dem's sweep to power in the Senate riding on her coattails. Now imagine that she nominates some left-wing ideologue who believes that it's okey-dokey to legislate from the bench. Now the Republicans decide to filisbuster this unreasonable candidate. Does John actually believe that the Democrats will spend more than a few minutes trying to find some sort of compromise to get an up-or-down vote in the Senate? I don't think so. After some public appearances decrying the Republicans' stonewalling, the Senate Democrats will change the filibuster rule so that cloture can be invoked with only 51 votes for judges. Once the judicial filibuster is broken, those same 51 Democrats will then vote en masse for whomever Hillary nominated. Count on it.
Now I will grant you that a couple of things are off: Hillary didn't win. However, another committed leftist did, along with a legion of congressional Democrats. Also, the Dems are talking about ending -more or less- the filibuster for legislative items, not judicial nominations. I guess that even I wasn't cynical enough to expect that. Silly me.
Anyway. It's now a few years later and John thinks that the Dems idea is just fine and dandy. Here's the response that I left in the comments:
Hmm. I remember a certain Mr. Cole pissing and moaning when the GOP mentioned possibly changing the Senate rules to allow cloture votes on judicial nominations by simple majority vote, rather than a 2/3 majority. When I mentioned that the Democrats were certain to do the same when they retook Congress, John made some comment about shoving a red hot poker or such up his ass worrying about what "might" happen. Funny thing is, now that it actually is possible that the Democrats would change the cloture rules (again) to their benefit to pass legislation, rather than bring simply to bring judicial nominee votes to the floor, the same Mr. Cole is saying "Serves you right, fuckers!"
I'm not surprised at the blatant hypocrisy. In fact, I expected it. I'd been waiting to see how John would weigh in on this issue and-surprise- he acted like a hack. Then again, the sun did rise in the east this morning, so it's good to know some things never change.
Being hyperpartisan is one thing. Being stupidly, predictable, hypocritically hyperpartisan hacks is quite another. Unfortunately, the hacks don't get it, probably because they're stupid and hypocritical. But hey, everyone's got their faults.
Pretty good effort from DJ Gallo. Excerpt:
No. 9 Siena (26-7) "So what if a fictional character is the most famous person from Siena College? Laugh it up. But you won't be laughing when we win the fictional national championship." -- Det. Olivia Benson, character on "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," supposedly a graduate of Siena ... No. 7 Boston College (22-11) "I filled out two brackets this year. So I actually picked Boston College to win it all before I picked against them." -- Sen. John Kerry, Boston College Law School '76 ... No. 8 BYU (25-7) "I am excited about the Cougars' chances in the NCAA tournament. If they win it all, I have half a mind to go crazy and celebrate by wearing a Brooks Brothers button-down during a TV interview instead of a suit and tie. Who knows, I could even go with a sensible polo shirt?" -- Mitt Romney, BYU '71 ... No. 7 California (22-10) "Twenty-two wins. Tied for third in the Pac-10. Only … a seven-seed? Getting … very … angry." -- Bill Bixby, attended Cal ... No. 13 Portland State (23-9) "I like basketball. I remember one time Hef took me to a Lakers game and all of a sudden I was like: 'Hef, I don't see any baskets! It's just some netting connected to a metal circle. They should call it netting-and-metal-circle-ball.' And Kendra was like: 'Straight up, yo!' Ohmigod, it was so funny." -- Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner's one-time girlfriend on "Girls Next Door," attended Portland State ... No. 6 UCLA (25-8) "What? Screw Siena. Go Bruins!" -- Mariska Hargitay, plays Det. Olivia Benson on "Law & Order: SVU," attended UCLA
More found here.
Vodkapundit posted this a couple of years back and I just had to quote it here because, well, I've got a cute newborn at home:
Imagine you're on a date with a supermodel. I grew up in the '80s and I dig brunettes, so I'd choose Paulina Porizkova. You choose whoever you like.
Now imagine you're having dinner somewhere really nice. Fine food, fine wine, perfect service - the works. The conversation sparkles like the crystal, and you yourself are shining like the silverware. You're pretty sure that if you don't score tonight, she's at least going to give you a second date to try again.
And then she rips a fart so nasty it makes waves in the tablecloth.
That's kind of what it's like being the parent to a really cute kid.
At least I haven't been shat upon yet. Then again, the day isn't over yet.
I've been a long time reader of
Batshit Crazy Balloon Juice. His turn left never bothered me. My lefty friends and family members are still my friends and family members. In the grand scheme of things, politics isn't life. Sure, politicians might-probably will, in fact- shit in a bowl and tell you it's yummy Frosted Flakes, but disagreement and arguing about politics can be fun.
However. Cole has ceased to be a person with a functioning brain, or any sense of consistency. If a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, Mr. Cole has the most colossal brain of all time. Whereas Cole used to think things through, bashing Republicans and Democrats alike, he's now become more predictable than a DU commenter, less sane that your average Indymedia pundit and more idioticly rancerous than Howard Dean on horse steroids. In short, he's become a clown, and a bad one at that. All that's missing are the rubber nose and the big red shoes. Here are Cole's Rules for Posting:
1) Republicans suck!
2) Obama is so dreamy.
3) Everything bad that happens is the fault of the Repulicans.
4) Anything good, like finding out that belly lint tastes like licorice, is always, always because the Democrats fart cinnamon flavored rainbows.
5) All criticism of GOPers is sane and well deserved
6) Any criticism of Democrats is always beyond the pale, even if said Democrat was caught buggering a nun while robbing an orphanage.
7) And by the way, Republicans suck.
Crikey, even the Huffington Joke and DU occasionally visit the realm of sanity. Apparently, though, sanity is just another racist code word for RethugliKKKans.
Any readers of this blog-thanks to both of you- would have noticed that I'm not a Republican, but rather a libertarian leaning conservative.
"Racist! Hater! KKK!...."
Shut up, John. Go back and suck your thumb.
Anyway. I've been probably more critical of the GOP than most Democrats. However, despite my ocassional fits of pique, I'm almost never mistaken for a rabid Rottweiller hopped up on smack and gunpowder. This, of course, prevents me from finding much common ground with Mr. Cole these days.
I'll paraphrase what someone, I think it was Spoons, once said while referring to Sullivan: "I don't care that Cole has become a Democrat. I care that he's become a dick."
From the keyboard of Ms. Paglia:
If Rush's presence looms too large for the political landscape, it's because of the total vacuity of the Republican leadership, which seems to be in a dithering funk. Rush isn't responsible for the feebleness of Republican voices or the thinness of Republican ideas. Only ignoramuses believe that Rush speaks for the Republican Party. On the contrary, Rush as a proponent of heartland conservatism has waged open warfare with the Washington party establishment for years. ... President Obama should yank the reins and get his staff's noses out of slash-and-burn petty politics. His own dignity and prestige are on the line. If he wants a second term, he needs to project a calmer perspective about the eternal reality of vociferous opposition, which is built into our democratic system. Right now, the White House is starting to look like Raphael's scathing portrait of a pampered, passive Pope Leo X and his materialistic cardinals -- one of the first examples of an artist sending a secret, sardonic message to posterity. Do those shifty, beady-eyed guys needing a shave remind you of anyone? Yes, it's bare-knuckles Chicago pugilism, transplanted to Washington. The charitably well-meaning but hopelessly extravagant Leo X, by the way, managed to mishandle the birth of the Protestant Reformation, which permanently split Christianity.
And it's from the 3/9/2009 Woot of the Day:
I was happy to notice a marked improvement in the color, consistency, and bouquet of my stool. But not as happy as if I’d been in the bathroom at the time.
Since the arrival of my 3rd child has reduced my blogging to next to nothing, I was surprised to find that the number of visitors had climbed a bit today. So I went to my referrer logs and found this site. Kind of cool, but do not click on the Chick of the Day link if you're at work. Consider this your only warning.
At five little words: I need a new blender.