So you don't have to
Jeff Goldstein take exception to Willis unusually(even for him) idiotic ramblings with regards to the recent Iraqi elections. Excerpt:
Also left unanswered, of course, is what in the world might be going through Oliver’s corndog-addled brain at that moment he decides it’s a good idea to post his next reprehensible glut of grammatically-challenged and intellectually bankrupt puffery. One wonders, for instance, why he doesn’t just cut his losses for a day and hole up in the bathroom with some supersize nachos, his stash of Jennifer Garner pics, a big bottle of lotion, and crate of Mallow Pies.
Mheh. Also be sure to check out the other links in the post, especially this one.
Apparently it makes a pretty good show shovel.
Interesting employment dilemma: become a whore or lose unemployment benefits. File this under you have got to be shitting me category. Excerpt:
A 25-year-old waitress who turned down a job providing "sexual services'' at a brothel in Berlin faces possible cuts to her unemployment benefit under laws introduced this year.
Prostitution was legalised in Germany just over two years ago and brothel owners – who must pay tax and employee health insurance – were granted access to official databases of jobseekers.
The waitress, an unemployed information technology professional, had said that she was willing to work in a bar at night and had worked in a cafe.
She received a letter from the job centre telling her that an employer was interested in her "profile'' and that she should ring them. Only on doing so did the woman, who has not been identified for legal reasons, realise that she was calling a brothel.
Under Germany's welfare reforms, any woman under 55 who has been out of work for more than a year can be forced to take an available job – including in the sex industry – or lose her unemployment benefit. Last month German unemployment rose for the 11th consecutive month to 4.5 million, taking the number out of work to its highest since reunification in 1990.
The government had considered making brothels an exception on moral grounds, but decided that it would be too difficult to distinguish them from bars. As a result, job centres must treat employers looking for a prostitute in the same way as those looking for a dental nurse.
I must have visited the wrong effing bars when I visited Germany.
Update: James Taranto isn't sure that this story is legit. Will let you know if I hear more.
At least with regards to the anti-Bush crowd. This past weekend, while watching the Iraqis celebrate their first free elections in several decades, I told my wife that Katie Couric would be wearing black and looking depressed on Monday morning.
"Why?", my wife asked.
Because Katie hates Bush, honey, and any news that potentially makes him look good will sadden her.
"But the Iraqi people look overjoyed?!"
Yes, and that's part of the problem.
See, my beloved spouse really likes Katie Couric; she has a hard time believing me when I tell her that perky Katie is an anti-Bush, hardcore leftist. However, after correctly predicting that Katie would be wearing black on the days after the US AND Iraq elections, my wife is starting to catch on. She actually laughed this morning when she came to the shower to tell me that Katie was wearing black. And it looks like I wasn't the only person to notice.
Two physics students determined the optimal test conditions to determine the length of a cat's tongue. Really.
Received via email:
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey, singer
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for the Federal Anti-smoking Campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett,
"Outside of the killings,
-- Marion Barry, Mayor of
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subp! oenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Danny Ozark, manager of
< B>"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
-- George W. Bush, U.S. President
-- former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore
"Traditionally, most of
-- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless! you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances"
-- State Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, former Federal Communications Commission Chairman
Quick may not be quite accurate in this case, but they don't take too long. Enjoy.
1 1/4 c Milk
1/4 c Butter
3 1/4 c Flour
1/4 c Sugar
1 t Salt
2 pk Yeast
1 ea Egg
1 c Brown sugar
1 1/2 t Cinnamon
3/4 c Butter
2 T Corn syrup
1 c Walnuts
Heat milk and butter to 120 to 130 degrees. Mix together 2 cups flour,
sugar, salt, yeast and egg. Add liquid and beat at medium speed for four
minutes. Stir in rest of flour. Cover and let rise until double (30 to 45
minutes). Generously grease 24 muffin cups. Chop nuts. Heat all topping
ingredients on low until ingredients are melted and combined. Divide topping
between muffin cups. Stir down batter. Drop into muffin cups. Cover and rise
until double (20 to 30 minutes). Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Place tins
on cookie sheet and bake 12 to 15 minutes until golden brown. Cool three
minutes then invert on waxed paper.
When your give-a-shit factor is in the picofuckit range and dropping like a stone, here is the solution:
And I found it at TKS.
(You know what’s also blowing my mind? The awards and nominations for “Sideways.” It was an entertaining enough (but irrepressibly snobby) little movie, but its plot point of having Virginia Madsen’s character passionately attracted to Paul Giamatti’s loser, and Sandra Oh’s character’s relentless enthusiasm for jumping into bed with Lowell from “Wings” make this movie not merely fiction but Science Fiction/Fantasy.)
I second that emotion.
As a conservative with libertarian leanings(or is a libertarian with conservative leanings?), I've been called selfish on many occassions. However, to all my Democrat friends out there, never let it be said that I failed to help you when you were down and out as a national political party. Herewith are answers for this week's assignment: What are your suggestions for fixing the Democratic Party?
What follows is a mish-mash of authentic and snarkish suggestions. Determining which is which is left as an exercise for the reader:
1) Stage a recall election and kick Senator Byrd out of office. The guy is an embarrassment to your party, and he's costing you votes. Do it now.
2) The Kennedy's aren't royalty, so ship Ted Kennedy back home. Have him drive Robery Byrd over the river and through the woods until... who am I kidding? They'll never make it to the woods.
3) Create a 900- number for Democrats to call. All BusHitler all the time for the low-low price of $3.99/minute! Plus, it's a good way to raise money for the party.
4) Hire Howard Dean as the chairman of the DNC. Pretty, pretty please with sugar on top?
5) Also, have Dean write the new national playbook for Democrats: How To Run For The Presidency And Win.
6) Inform the Democrats that maybe people that disagree with you about affirmative action aren't advocating the burning of crosses on the lawn of black families. Make sure that Robert Byrd gets the memo.
7) Have Jessee Jackson and Jim Moran form a comedic duo. They're sure to kill at synagogues and bar mitzahs.
8) When any Democrat calls a conservative black a sellout or an Uncle Tom, expel that dipstick from the party. By claiming that all people of one color should think the same way, you reveal your own racism and bigotry. It isn't pretty.
9) What would be pretty, though, is Helen Thomas, Barbara Boxer and Barbara Streisand in a pay-per-view only threesome.
9) Allow a pro-life Democrat to speak at your national convention. Claiming to be a big tent party while simultaneously silencing dissent displays an amazing level of hypocrisy. Trust me; people notice. It's not helping the cause when your party appears to tolerate only monolithic acceptance of its national party's platform.
10) Fund Michael Moore's next 10 movies.
11) Start a national campaign tp extend abortion rights: nine months is just too limiting. So what if the fetus is 8 years old? It's her body to do with as she wishes. Tell that useless lump of cells to pipe down.
A friend sent me the following tongue-in-cheek(I guess) memo to the US from comedian John Cleese. Normally I wouldn't bother, but I've got a hankering to dismember parts of it.
"To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
This looks like a no win situation for the US: Europeans think that Bush is incompetent, while most of know that John Kerry actually is incompetent. I don't see a way out here.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
A country's got to know its limits. Start thinking about yours.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
We're aware that the rest of the world exists. Someone's got to wait on us when we go on vacation. As far a no "need for further elections", I refer you back to my point above.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
Actually, this wouldn't really bother me. Score one for Johnny.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
There are some in this country that think sucking on the ruling class teat is just fine and dandy, but most of us do not. We ain't dependent on nobody except us.
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Please look up torch in the dictionary. Look up flashlight. Compare and contrast.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
I've read quite a bit of English literature during my lifetime without difficulty. If returning that favor is too much of a struggle for you, then I worry for you as a nation. The effort of inhaling and exhaling an a regular basis could prove to be a challenge.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
Please see my previous response.
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
This is only true in Britain. Germans say "berg" and not "burra". We kicked their ass twice, which means we now officially own the pronuciation for burgh. We can call it whatever we damn well please. Just be glad that we haven't forced YOU to change.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
Actually, I'm with him on this one. Too many people give me blank looks when I use words such as pejorative, obstreperous or serendipitous. My manager received feedback from someone who didn't like talking to me because they had to "use a dictionary to translate" what I had said. I was surprised that they owned a dictionary and could use it properly, so it all worked out.
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."
If it were permissible to flog someone that used the phrase "you know" more than once every five minutes, my workplace would be filled with a lot of sore backsides. Third score for Johnny; he's on a roll.
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
That's not true at all. My vocabulary is quite large, but I enjoy the expletive as much as the next person. It provides a visceral outlet for my emotions when speaking. So fuck off, you ponce.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
So we're back to this again. Yawn. Find something else to say. You're boring me.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
Already done. I struggle a little with identifying the South African accent, though.
English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
I don't say Queenslandshire or Devonshire; I suspect most other Americans don't either. Maybe you should get out more often.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
You haven't paying attention, have you?
Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
England will be required to cast Americans to play American characters. The role does not count if the actor is required to wear a cowboy hat.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
We have more of a taste for the politically incorrect than you guys do. Maybe you haven't noticed because the EU has had you grabbing your ankles for a while.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
Like the English, Americans sing "God Save The Queen" if for no other reason than the fact that we don't want Howdy Doody as King. You know about whom I speak.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football.
Soccer? Are you serious? I'd rather have my son become a figure skater. A pair of skates and a sequined blouse will be better accepted in my home than a soccer ball.
What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
Have you bothered to actually check the news the last 10-20 years? Hello, World League of Football(or whatever it's called).
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Playing with girls could be accomplished by simply joining the English team. Been a while since the last World Cup victory, huh?
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
I'll take seven NFL players, remove their uniforms, teach them the rules for rugby and then stand back and watch them disassemble the British teams, one by one. To make it fair, though, we'll allow you to field ALL of the British teams at the same time against our boys. The game might last a little bit longer that way.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Do us the favor of giving up cricket and we'll consider giving up baseball.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
It's really not nice that you keep calling your athletes girls. Oh, and rounders=cricket. Right?
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
That's worked out so well for the British citizenry. No wait, it's worked out well for the criminals. After all, we wouldn't want us everyday folks to be a threat to burglars or anything, would we?
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
You keep the peelers; I've got a large golf umbrella. We'll see who wins that faceoff.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
Actually, it should be called Decisive Day, because the folks in this country actually decided who should be their leader. The list of candidates did not include a group of people from a family tree with no branches. Just an FYI.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good.
A lot of them do suck. I once owned a Ford Pinto. Ugh. We also have the Hummer, though, which pretty much outweighs the other suck vehicles.
When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Oh, you mean the overpriced, small penis BMW's? Well, I guess if I wanted to receive hand jobs from women who've lived their entire lives while on the English dental plan, then that's where I'd start.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
I love roundabouts. They are slowly appearing around this state. Not soon enough to my way of thinking, either.
You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
Hey, why don't you send over some test drivers to demostrate this method of driving to us? We have lots of busy interstates for you to practice on.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
Psst!. Wanna know how to make an Englishman happy in his old age? Tell him a joke when he's young.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Au contraire, Belgium makes some simply fabulous beers.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
You're a remarkably healthy lot, aren't you?
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
Warm and flat. Piss, anyone?
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
Actually, I'm proud of Massachusetts. They nominated someone who had zero chance of winning the election. Of course, I also blame them for Ted Kennedy, so I guess it's a wash.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager."
Tsk, tsk. I don't think you can afford to piss off your EU friends by calling their ales "lagers". Think of it as a helpful hint. Oh, and how about you call British Bitter, well, bitter? Inquiring minds want to know.
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine."
Can't argue. Budweiser uses a large horse for its filtration system.
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
Technically, it's called Budvar, I believe. Maybe you snotty English types can't resist Anglicizing everything, but I can.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon get used to it).
Hmm. We actually refine our gasoline here and we pump a bunch from domestic wells. I think we can work out our own market prices, thank you very much. Go talk to cup of Kofi about adding a $4.00 tax to US gasoline; see how far it gets over here. We'll be waiting.
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
The litigious nature of people in this society drives me batty. And I'm not too keen that "grief counselor" has become such a popular career choice.
With regards to your gun comment, it's a sad commentary on the Uk that the only real grown ups are the criminals. Not surprising, but sad nonetheless.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Since many of citizens are armed, unlike you namby-pamby law-abiding British folks, your baton wielding bobbies will find it quite impossible to collect those taxes. However, feel free to try; we enjoy target practice.
Thank you for your co-operation. -John Cleese "
Thank you for surrendering 200+ years ago to a ragtag, ill-equipped band of nobodies back when the British Empire was still the bully on the block. It continues to lift our spirits to this day.
Do these pants make me look fat?
Jay Pinkerton tries his hand at reinventing Batman. Excerpt:
Baseball been velly, velly gud to me
A lot more like this can be found here at Engrish.com
An abridged script for National Treasure, courtesy of The Editing Room. Excerpt:
EXT. SNOW-COVERED LAND
NICOLAS CAGE and his TEAM OF KICKASS HISTORIANS search for
a ship buried in the snow.
When we find this ship, we'll have
yet another clue to lead us to the
enormous treasure our founding
fathers hid so that no man would
ever get it. I can't wait 'till I
According to my completely random
calculations that can be approximate
at best, the ship should be right
NICOLAS starts digging. After burrowing under about two
inches of snow, he finds something. It's the ship!
INT. FROZEN SHIP
NICOLAS and his CREW go deeper into the ship, and
eventually come to a door that looks frozen solid, which
they open effortlessly. Once inside, they uncover a single
(reading the clue)
"The treasure is a witness."
Hmm. Witness, witness... You need a
witness at a trial. Trial...to make
a case, the prosecution will use
evident! We hold these truths to be
self-evident! The Declaration! The
map to the treasure is on the back
of the Declaration of Independence!
Not so fast, Cage. I'll take this
knowledge and get the treasure
myself! To make matters worse, I
have little to no respect for the
history behind the treasure, and I
think America is stupid! Har har
NICOLAS pulls out a flare and lights it. Sparks land on the
floor, which is literally covered completely in gunpowder.
You kill me, and I drop this. I'd
rather kill us all than allow you to
take the National Treasure, because
America is totally awesome!
Bah! If you drop that, it'll only
light the ground on fire, as if the
gunpowder wasn't so much explosive
as mildly flammable.
What? That's insane, it's
He shoots the gunpowder, which bursts into small,
survivable flames like it was gasoline.
What the hell?
Wait a minute.. Fire.. Gunpowder..
Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer... Oh
NICOLAS and ANNOYING COMIC RELIEF JUSTIN BARTHA escape,
right before a GIGANTIC EXPLOSION!
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
NATIONAL HISTORY IS THE
MOTHERFUCKING SHIT! YEAH!
Run out of Clearasil? Did your online chat buddies, TightholeTina and her slutty cheerleader friends, diss you tonight? Then I've got just the thing for you: The Kingdom of Loathing. It's a text-based RPG, with some crappy stick figure drawings. It also has...different character classes. Seal clubber;accordion thief. And beware the frightening Sabre-Toothed Lime! Anyway, it looks like some twisted fun. Check it out.
Why yes, I was still unmarried at the age of 30. Why do you ask?
Some people have too much time on their hands
Those little USB memory sticks aren't just useful. Now, they're decorative as well. Sort of.
Acidman published his list of 10 people that positively influenced this country during his lifetime. One particular choice stood out to me:
#4-- John Wayne. He embodied The United States in its purest form--tough, courageous, two-fisted and taking no shit. He was a role model for me. And I still like to watch his movies today.
Ever watch True Grit? Towards the end, John Wayne puts the reins in his mouth and charges the enemy, with guns blazing in both hands. Now THAT is the kind of guy that I want on my side in a fight. Sadly, too many men these days have been swallowing their wimpy pills by the truckload. I'm a firm believer in constructive dialogue, but sometimes you have to go after the enemy, balls to the wall.
I've been picking up John Wayne movies from the bargain DVD bins lately. Personally, I'd pay full price for most of them, but if some halfwits think so little of the Duke that they put 3 of his movies onto a $3.00 DVD, who am I to argue?
In an unrelated story, fewer computers are getting hacked into through gaping security holes in their web browsers. Just an FYI.
Feeling horny? Too horny? Then have I got a deal for you! Just order the Ronco Self-Castration 5000™ ; apparently this guy did. Excerpt:
"The man obviously needs some sort of counseling," Reno police Lt. Ron Donnelly told the Reno Gazette-Journal.
If this story doesn't anger you, well, then you're an idiot. Four drug-addled hooligans assaulted some people and were driven off by a 63 year old man, who had the audacity to use a gun to defend himself, accidentally striking one of the criminals during the struggle. You know where this is going, don't you? The old guy was charged by the police and convicted of the use of inappropriate force; he also had to pay restitution to one of the shitheads that attacked him. For those people that think that we should be more like our European cousins, it looks like you're getting your wish.
Let me be clear on a few points:
1) I will consider it open season on delinquents if anyone attacks or otherwise threatens me or my family. There will be no weight limit.
2) Dead criminals will be unable to
testify lie about me to hoodlum loving cops and judges. Just an FYI to any potential assailants
3) I'm a good shot. And I own a shovel.
You have been warned.
And no bias either. Sure. Here's Neal Boortz's take:
I heard about this on Brit Hume's Fox News Channel program last night, and got the rest of the information from Drudge. It seems that on Wednesday morning, the day before the Inauguration, ABC News posted a little announcement on its website. Here is what that announcement said:
For a possible Inauguration Day story on ABC News, we are trying to find out if there any military funerals for Iraq war casualties scheduled for Thursday, Jan. 20. If you know of a funeral and whether the family might be willing to talk to ABC News, please fill out the form below.
The blogger who first brought this bit to the blogosphere made an interesting comment. He said "that only the families of Iraqi war dead need apply. If a soldier died in Afghanistan, or aiding tsunami victims in Indonesia or Sri Lanka, or in a training exercise, never mind. That isn't the 'balance' ABC is looking for."
As soon as ABC realized that their little request was getting some publicity, it was pulled from their website. The intent was clear. ABC wanted to rain on Bush's parade with a gut-wrenching story about a soldier being buried on the day Bush was sworn in for his seconc term. Tell me there's no bias in the media.
This week's Carnival of the Recipes is boiling over at Cal Tech Girl's place. She has the recipes alphabetized. Sort of. Go and check it out.
Updated over at Protein Wisdom. Sort of.
Caltechgirl. This has been your reminder. Now get those recipes in. Send them to recipe.carnival-at-gmail-dot-com. Do it now. NOW!!
Have you ever eaten crab dip? Oh sure, it's tasty and all, but by and large, it isn't worth the effort involved to eat it. The stuff will drip off of the cracker or toast point onto your clothes, and even after you wipe it off, the grease stain remains. Forever. Kind of your own personal movable feast, albeit one that attracts lots of attention from the neighborhood cats. Anyway, I have an alternative to present: crabmeat cheesecake. You'll have to invest a little more time and effort than you would for the standard molten goo you call crab dip, but the result is worth it. Trust me, you'll never go back. Oh, and you'll need that springform pan again for this recipe. Remember: every kitchen must have one.
2 T butter
3/4 c breadcrumbs
1/2 c grated parmesan
* Mix together press into bottom & sides of springform pan.
1 med onion, finely chopped
4oz pimiento, finely chopped
* Sautee together and set aside.
1 lb 12oz cream cheese
8oz swiss cheese, grated
1/2 t white pepper
1lb fresh crabmeat
* Mix everything but crab together. Fold in the crab and pour into the crust. Bake in water bath @ 325 degree oven for 90 minutes, turn off the oven & let sit for 60min more in. If not firm bake additional 10-15min.
A robber breaks into sex shop, but apparently he wasn't looking for some cash: he wandered off with an inflatable doll.
Maybe he's just trying to decrease his latex allergy by using progessive desensitivation. Yeah, that's it.
A Father Christmas statue made of pure cocaine. Words fail me.
Senator, your dick is only this big. Pathetic.
Update: Rachel Lucas has similar thoughts.
Update: So does Pam.
Update: Harvey had a challenge out there, but I never saw it. It's just as well, since I failed miserably.
And you thought your delivery was tough. Egads.
It looks like Kelley has decided to give up posting for a while; maybe forever. Bummer. She will be missed.
And yes, Harvey, I know she's got that thing in her head that will probably force her to start posting again someday. I'm just betting that it won't be soon.
Take care, Kelley. Hope to see you around again.
I got behind in my blog reading and didn't notice until just now that Dean and Rosemary had delivered their newest child. Stop by and congratulate them both.
Update: Pictures of little Draco can be found here.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Tsunami Virus.
Received the following in an email recently:
Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts from National Public Radio and a Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.
They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudes of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and
Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The chief said, "And, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass." said the Marine. "What?" said the chief.
"Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass." insisted the Marine. So the chief untied the Marine, shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his haversack, pulled out an M16, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were all dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they each asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"
"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you assholes call ME the aggressor?!?"
Michele always gives us her unvarnished opinion and today is no exception. It turns out that she decided to kick the black lung habit and is keeping a diary of all the mood swings associated with quitting. Excerpt:
I don't blame big tobacco or the government or Joe Camel for my addiction. The blame rests solely with me. I willingly picked up a habit I knew was destructive, costly and disgusting. And not just once. I quit and went back a few times, knowing full well what I was doing.
I don't blame McDonald's for my weight gain. I don't blame the makers of M&M's for my cavities. I don't blame my parents for my shortcomings. I don't blame Judas Priest for my crappy hearing. And I don't blame RJ Reynolds for my expensive, lung destroying habit.
Doesn't she realize that she's a helpless pawn of Big Tobacco? I guess the fact that she doesn't notice is just more proof that the conspiracy is working.
Anyway, kudos to her for finally kicking the habit. I remember when my mother quit; I was about 8 years old. She told me that she had started smoking back when she was 15 years old. Apparently my great aunt Margaret had dared her: "I bet that you can't smoke this cigarette." Of all the reasons to pick up the habit, the Dog Dare seems the most pathetic. She didn't even try for the Triple Dog Dare, which is a complete breach in etiquette. Or something.
My mother had tried numerous times to quit. Eventually, she'd just have to have one, and that would be that. Finally, though, she developed an allergy to cigarette smoke. This gave her the impetus she needed to stop for good.
Before you say anything, yes, even some people with asthma smoke. No offense, but those people are freaking idiots. I've seen a severe asthma attack; it's pretty damned scary. And the idea that someone would willingly force something into their lungs that might trigger an attack is insane. But hey, it's your life.
Smoking has never appealed to me. Back when I was a teenager, I remember sneaking a puff of a butt that my grandmother had left smoldering. No inhalation, just a little puff. I also remember the burning in my eyes and nose, concurrent with a coughing fit that I had to suppress so that I would be discovered. Never again would the idea of lighting up have any appeal to me.
A couple of years later, a friend of mine started smoking a pipe. It smelled pretty good and he offered to let me take a couple of puffs to see how I'd like it. He offered me the following warning:
"Be careful, though. It will leave an off taste in your mouth."
::gag:: It tasted like a cat had used my mouth as a litterbox. I tried brushing my teeth and gargling with mouthwash. I drank a 6-pack of Coke. Nothing removed the disgusting coating from my tongue except the passage of time. That experience also queered me on the idea of ever trying cigars. Pot, too. I'm a member of the small minority of people born since 1960 who have never tried marijuana, not even once. Remember: I'd have to willingly take smoke into my mouth and lungs. Uh no. I don't think so.
To me, it's all about the personal responsibility. Make your own decisions and live with the consequences. Regretting your choices is also an option. What isn't, though, is blaming someone else.
And thank God for that. Chuck Shepherd continues his weekly foray into the morass of odd humanity. Excerpts:
In Durham, N.C., in December, gang member Robert D. Johnson was sentenced to 15 years in prison for shooting off the genitals of a fellow Blood who was trying to leave the group. The jury rejected an even harsher penalty, for "malicious castration," settling on "nonmalicious castration" because of evidence that Johnson actually shot the man in the leg but that the bullet just happened to exit his thigh and hit his penis. [Raleigh News and Observer-AP, 12-17-04]
Victoria Pettigrew started VIP Fibers three years ago in Morgan Hill, Calif., and according to a December 2004 report by the Knight Ridder News Service, has an enthusiastic clientele of pet owners who pay her to make specialty items (blankets, pillows, scarves) from their animals' hair ("Better yarn from your pet than a sheep you never met"). For example, client Bob Miller of Carmel, Calif., brought in enough collected sheddings of his golden retriever for a blanket, two couch pillows, a small teddy bear, a scarf and a picture frame. Pettigrew has also created items from the hair of cats, sheep, alpaca, bison, rabbits, hamsters, cows and horses. [Buffalo News-Knight Ridder, 12-31-04]
Your Mammoth Burger is a pussy. Denny's Beer Barrel Pub makes a 6-pound burger.
Until the middle of last year, I had been working on a 400 MHz computer since 1999. Finally, memory and processing constraints forced me to upgrade the system. I picked up a nice 1.8 GHz processor, motherboard and box for around $100, then added 512 Mb memory. I also got around to installing the 80 Gb hard drive that I'd picked up for a song 3 months before, but had been too lazy to install. Oh, and my mother bought me a high end video card for my birthday. Total cost(to me) for the upgrade: about $200-$250. Not too shabby.
Anyway, this article provides you with some risk/reward insight should you get the hankering to rev up your PC. Excerpt:
You can never be too rich, too smart, or have too much RAM--especially if you run Windows XP. Before you consider any other upgrade, make sure your system is packing at least 512MB of system RAM--and even more if you do things like play games or work with digital images and video. Unlike many upgrades, additional system RAM affects virtually every aspect of PC performance. Windows will load faster, applications will pop up quicker, and everything from gaming to media playback will run more smoothly.
The good news is, RAM is cheap. You can pick up a full gigabyte of fast DDR SDRAM for less than $200, and 512MB modules can be had for less than $100. The bad news? RAM is confusing. There are many types of system memory, from RAMBUS modules used in early Pentium 4 systems, to the DDR and DDR2 SDRAM favored in AMD systems and contemporary Pentium-based PCs. Check your documentation carefully to make sure the RAM you buy is a proper match for what's in your system. In fact, if you are adding RAM to what's already in your PC, it's a good idea to use memory from the same vendor so you can reduce the chance of a conflict.
Okay, so I misfired on the Falcons-Rams contest. I feel vindicated by going against almost every sports talking head and picking the Patriots to win. Grass, freezing cold, strong defense and a great running back in Corey Dillon. And Peyton was supposed to win by... how was he supposed to win again?
The Jets almost made me cry-twice- near the end of regulation. After being completely dominated in the second half, New York almost managed to win nonetheless. How much do I hate the effing Jets? Well, I could tell you that the humiliating, embarrassing, soul-crushing way that they lost the game didn't fill me with glee, but I'd be lying. A lot. Mheh.
Championship picks to follow sometime later this week.
Here are my fearless predictions. Should you
be foolish enough to use my advice and bet on the games, double the money you paid for these predictions will be refunded to you.
First, the AFC games, which completely suck due to their including 3 present or former AFC East members NOT named the Miami Dolphins. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
Anyway, Indy is playing at New England. It'll be cold; the ground will be hard; but Peyton Manning will still be Peyton Manning, so the Colts will score. Unfortunately, the Patriots will score more often. Look for a big game from Corey Dillon as the Colts' porous defense gets run around, over and through. New England wins in a nailbiter.
The J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets are playing AT Pittsburgh. I could go into great detail about the matchups between the two teams, but I won't bother. Suffice it to say that I think the Steelers are the most complete team in the NFL this year. Pittsburgh to win easily.
On to the NFC, where two 8-8 teams will be playing on the road. Excuse me, make that two 9-8 teams.
Philadelphia attempts to make the NFC championship game for the fourth year in a row. Pretty impressive feat, of course, but people tend to focus on the Eagles' inability to actually win that particular game. Culpepper is the better QB, but the Eagles are still the better team, albeit one with a horribly suspect run defense. Luckily for Philly, the Vikings don't appear capable of exploiting that weakness, so the Eagles march on.
You might think that the Rams don't match up well against the Falcons and you'd be right. Atlanta fields a pretty stout defense and runs a potent offense QB-ed by Michael Vick. Currently, only Tampa Bay seems to have figured how to stop that guy. But let's look at the Rams: they have tremendous talent at all offensive skill positions. Somehow, with a -24 turnover differential, St. Louis managed to make the playoffs. If they can stop giving away possessions, the Rams are likely to score a lot of points; the game is being played on turf. I just don't see the Falcons being able to keep up. Rams win.
Consider the last prediction null and void if Mike Martz allows his ego to coach the game. Just an FYI.
Dave Barry to replace William Safire as NY Times columnist? It's an idea posited by Bryan Curtis at Slate. Excerpt:
Barry (not the Times) won the Pulitzer Prize for commentary the next year. And perhaps his gifts as a political satirist point toward a second act. In his valedictory, Barry refused to rule out a return to column-writing. Here's an idea: As soon as William Safire shuffles off to the Old Columnists' Home, put Barry smack dab in the middle of the Times editorial page. Barry confessed a few years ago that he's a raving libertarian—just the kind of dyspeptic crank who would take pleasure in thumbing Washington in the eye. Give him 14 inches twice a week and let him write whatever he wants. Why settle for another graying libertarian when you can have a libertarian who makes booger jokes?
Maybe, but imagine a future where this can happen.
Carnival of the Recipes #22 is simmering over at One Happy Dog Speaks this week. VW did a great job with the roundup, properly categorizing this per meal or food category, allowing you to zero in on what appeals to you most. That means I can head right for the desserts. After all, who wants their dinner to spoil dessert? ::shudder::
with cream cheese frosting
RED VELVET CAKE RECIPE
Cream together 1/2 cup shortening and 1-1/2 cup sugar. Add 2 eggs, one at a time.
Make paste of 2 tbsp. cocoa and 1-1/2 oz. red food coloring. Add to creamed mixture.
Mix 1 tsp. salt, 2-1/2 cups flour; add alternately with mixture of 1 tsp. vanilla, 1 cup buttermilk, and 1 tsp. soda. Add 1 tbsp. vinegar. Mix thoroughly.
Split ingredients evenly between 2 standard cake pans. I made the mistake of putting it all into one pan, and it takes forever to bake. Plus, it comes out dry.
Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.
CREAM CHEESE FROSTING
2-3 oz. packages of cream cheese(softened)
2 tbsp. evaporated milk
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1-16 oz. package of confectioner's sugar
With mixer at medium speed, beat cream cheese with milk just until smooth. Gradually beat in vanilla, salt, and sugar until blended.... fills and frosts 2-layer cake or 24 cupcakes.
Neal Boortz interviewed newt Gingrich on his show and the former Speaker provided some perspective on space exploration by this country:
Now I can't remember if we had this conversation during a commercial break, or during the actual show, but Newt came up with an interesting idea regarding space exploration. I know I'm going to get this wrong, but Newt said something to the effect that the United States would be much further along in the exploration of space, and in the realization of benefits from that exploration, if we were willing to assume the same level of risk that NASCAR accepts. There would be no shortage of volunteers who would be willing to accept that risk level in order to participate in space exploration. Instead, we try to make space exploration as safe as walking across your living room to pick up a magazine.
TMQ discusses what might be a low risk prospect: betting on the home team in this upcoming weekend's contests. Excerpt:
These points against gambling made, are you still looking for a sure thing? Try the home teams in the NFL divisional round this weekend. Home teams in the NFL divisional round are the surest sure thing in sports. Since the current playoff formation was adopted in 1990, home teams in the divisionals are 45-11, an .803 winning figure. The home teams have just finished a bye week and relaxing in hot tubs as their opponents are out in the cold while being pounded. Usually the reason the home teams had byes in the first place is that they are better than the wild-card round teams. Home teams dominate the NFL divisionals, so check-mark them in your office pool. You don't even need to know which team is playing! Just go for the home team in the divisional round.
That, my friends, is what I'd call a trend. Then again, no 8-8 team had ever won an NFL playoff game before last weekend, so your mileage may vary.
I saw this story and my antennae(hey, it's a costume) started quivering. Here's the headline:
U.S. Ends Fruitless Iraq Weapons Hunt
Notice the little word "fruitless" that some jackass inserted? You know, because we all knew there weren't any weapons to begin with. Remove that word and you receive the same information, but without the little dig at Bush. Anyway, on to the story itself. Excerpt:
The search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq has quietly concluded without any evidence of the banned weapons that President Bush cited as justification for going to war, the White House said Wednesday
Look, if you're going to rewrite history, you might as well make as well make it interesting, or at least entertaining. Saying that Glenn Reynolds makes puppy smoothies is both; saying that WMD's were the only justification for going to war is neither, and it's patently untrue. The expected presence of banned weapons was used as a reason to not go to war by the same fucking hypocrites that are claiming they knew all along that there weren't any. Maybe such noise plays pretty well amongst their inner circle of like-minded friends, the ones that know Bush is just like Hitler, but it doesn't work with me.
I'm typing this posts in the probably vain hope that doing so will help to lower my blood pressure. This story made my head throb. It had nothing to do with voting problems experienced by the people in Washington state, but rather the gall, the absolute shameless hypocrisy exhibited by the Democrats in that state.
Rossi won the initial machine count by 261 votes and a machine recount by 42 votes.
[county supervisor]Huennekens said the larger number of unaccounted-for votes should not shake people's confidence in the outcome of an election that he said was still "99.9x" percent accurate.
I don't remember those words being uttered by this particular asswipe when the first 2 vote counts showed Rossi winning.
Democratic Party spokeswoman Lisa Cohen said the results of the hand recount were valid and should stand, despite King County's difficulty in accounting for all votes.
"It's been the most closely observed election in our lifetimes, I think. What's very important to realize and keep in context is that King County and the other counties say that their accuracy rate is more than 99.9 percent," Cohen said.
See comment after example #1.
Let me give you guys a hint: there are a large number of people that vote Democrat just because; many Republican voters are the same. However, there are a number of voters that will cease to vote for a party that appears to not only condone, but rather actively encourages voter fraud. Grow up, folks. Clean up your act.
Update: Sound Politics has more details concerning this bit of electoral tomfoolery.
yes, I will be watching
Battlestar Galactica has been resurrected on the SciFi Channel. If you didn't have a chance to see the mini-series last year, let me give you a bried synopsis: all of humanity has been wiped out except for a handful of spaceships and the rest are battling to survive. Now you're caught up.
Since I'm old enough to remember the original series, it's still a little bit weird seeing Starbuck as a woman. She's better looking than the original Starbuck, though, as is the newest female Cylon, played by Tricia Helfer.
Hey, it's not a true science fiction series unless there's some serious eye candy. Not in my universe, anyway.
Update: Turns out that Will Collier is a big fan.
Let's beg the question a little more, shall we?
Capital One will be performing the same duty for this weekend's tsunami telethon that they did after 9/11: manning the phone banks for donations. Like most large financial services institutions, they handle thousands of phone calls daily, which makes them ideally suited for a task such as this one. Thousands of volunteers will be trained to work the phones for this charitable event.
In a related story, it appears that George Clooney and Bill O'Reilley have kissed and made up, at least for this one event. The reconciliation did have its hiccups, though: apparently Clooney sent a demand for an immediate yes or no that arrived a couple of hours after O'Reilley had already accepted. Oh well, it's not like the two will be spending weekends and holidays together.
The inspiration for a Beatles' hit is closing its doors. Bummer.
An Australian grandmother mistakenly grabs the glue instead of her eye drops. She avoids becoming an early Darwin award nominee due to the low toxicity of the glue.
Bill Whittle has a new post up and it's about my
least favorite director, Michael "my ass has its own zipcode" Moore. Apparently, Moore thinks that reason Republicans win elections is because they run actors. The Left's cure for this, of course, is to run an actor themselves. Bill exposes the fallacy of this thinking. Excerpt:
No, some are great movie stars, but generally speaking they’re miserable actors. But in person, truly great personalities. Which tends to confirm a theory of mine, which is that people who are really terrific actors are some of the most boring, colorless, hollow people you would ever be unfortunate enough to meet. I have met a few, and by and large they are simply empty vessels into which better, brighter people – the scientific term for them is writers – pour intelligence, wit, courage and character. That’s why these fictional creations are called characters. They’re the people actors want to be – but due to some defect, some lack of inherent character, these people cannot go out and actually become such people: soldiers, astronauts, cowboys – you know, interesting people. People they make movies about. Actors have to pretend to be them. Actually, first writers have to pretend to be them, then the actor takes these written-down make-believe instructions and then adds their own Eye Crinkles, Thoughtful Stares and Charming, Boyish Grins and viola! It’s a lot easier than actually becoming such a person, so you must admire the strategy, at least from a conservation of energy point of view.
There is very little in our safe, sanitary, prosperous world more disappointing than listening to an in-depth interview with a favorite celebrity and discovering, to our growing then endless dismay, that there is a long, long, looooooong way between Gillian Anderson and Dana Sculley. Or to see how far Jack Ryan is from Alec Baldwin. Or from Ben Affleck.
The bold-faced type was a great disappointment to me. Dana Sculley is(was) a scientist, pragmatic and disciplined to the core. Incredibly sexy and smart to boot. Gillian Anderson is a flake who appears to have a thing for the mystical powers of crystals. If rocks are so damned powerful, maybe she should have worn one during the last 2 seasons of the X Files. Just a thought.
Hindrocket weighs in on the 60 Minutes whitewash with some information that could prove useful to the powers that be at CBS who will, of course, ignore it. Excerpt:
But, because virtually everyone in the CBS News organization shared Mary Mapes's politics and objective (i.e., the election of John Kerry), skeptical questions were not asked. If there is a single overriding explanation for how a fake story, intended to influence a Presidential election through the use of forged documents, could have been promulgated by 60 Minutes, it is the lack of diversity at CBS News.
For some years now, the party line of the mainstream media has been: of course we're pretty much all Democrats, but that doesn't influence our news coverage. If nothing else, Rathergate should put that defense to rest once and for all.
In a couple of weeks, I will be participating in a conference at Harvard's Kennedy School of Government, sponsored by the Kennedy School along with the Harvard Law School and the Shorenstein Center on Press and Politics. The subject will be journalism, blogging, credibility and ethics. Judging from the list of participants, I suspect that most of the discussion may be about how bloggers can become more credible by adopting the standards of mainstream journalists. My own perspective will be a bit different. So far, the blogosphere has a far better record of honesty and accuracy than mainstream organs like the New York Times and CBS. This isn't entirely a matter of personality; it is also a function of the checks and balances of the blogosphere, which are far stronger and more effective than the alleged "checks and balances" of the mainstream media, which, in the absence of political and intellectual diversity, may not operate at all.
My 26 month old son can carry on pretty good telephone conversations now. He makes no attempt to eat the phone and even makes statements on his own without prompting from me. Today, I got treated to the following:
I love you, Daddy.
You can't top that; don't even try.
Soaking overnight not recommended
Spam. Phishing. Spyware. These are the things that trouble my poor little computer. Some ideas on prevention can be found here. Excerpt:
If you don't run anti-spyware software, and you use the Internet, chances are at least a few quiet little applications are running in the background on your machine. They might simply be tracking where you browse, serving pop-ups and hijacking links. They might be capturing keystrokes on your system, searching for credit card numbers and other personal information.
Running some kind of spyware software is crucial: A couple of hours with "Spybot Search and Destroy" can clean out a system and bring it back to the world of computing. Think it's not a problem? In "Panic over Spyware", John C. Dvorak reports that Dell is fielding more than 70,000 calls a week related to problems it blames on spyware. That's a lot of nasty little downloads.
Worse yet, as Dvorak points out, spyware is getting nastier, moving on from "market research" to employee and spousal monitoring, spambots, and worse still, identity theft.
Meanwhile, Microsoft has just announced its own anti-spyware tool, now in beta. But regardless of which program you choose, you should be running some kind of spyware remover now. For an excellent introduction to spyware-fighting tools, check out our sidebar on Detecting and Eliminating Adware, and consider running one of the Editors' Choice anti-spyware tools such as Ad-Aware SE Plus 1.02, and Spy Sweeper 2.2 that can scan for spyware in real time while you browse.
Finally, some news that will put a smile on your face. Mine, anyway.
If Dave Barry has stopped writing for good, we'll never get to read his yearly roundup of bizzaro items that you can actually purchase. Fortunately, some other people are already on the job. Excerpt:
"Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" Quidditch Set
What is it? This playset lets kids play the flying broomstick game from the popular books and films. Includes a set of two broomsticks, two hoops, various balls and a large catapault.
Why it's dangerous: We were able to get good velocity and height with the enormous slingshot launcher (consisting of two aircraft-grade bungee straps and a child-sized chair). However, the younger children were unable to keep the broom clenched between their legs while being launched 150 feet into the air. Landing also appeared to be an issue, though these results were inconclusive, as we were unable to find many of the children following impact.
What you should do: The only way we were able to score points was by aiming the catapult at the goal and firing the children through the hoop with a ball taped to their chests. And, while amusing, we probably could have done this without purchasing the Quidditch Set.
Darned work web filters
Acidman gets added to the list of (dis)honor because: he's outspoken; he's profane; and he doesn't give a shit what people think about him. In short, he's my kind of guy. In to the blogroll with ye.
So Kim du Toit thinks the the woman in this post is hot. I like redheads myself, but uh-uh, no way. Oh sure, she's somewhat attractive, but if I was in the market for redheads, I'd go for something like this.
See extended entry:
Is your PC bogging down? Do all of your p0rn sites take too long to load? Then check out the tips in this article. Excerpt:
Open media files fast. If you want to launch an image, video, or audio file quickly, you should look for outside help. Irfanview is a marvelous little program that opens nearly every type of media file in a flash. It even lets you touch up photos and images. Irfanview won't optimize your system, but it will let your system access media files a lot faster. And it does it for free. ... Stop using Internet Explorer. Microsoft's Web browser is a hog. Switching to the Mozilla Firefox or Opera browser can yield swifter program launches, faster page loads, and an all-around smoother ride. In my personal experience, Firefox has proven the fleetest browser, but Opera consumes the least system memory--useful for older systems with 128MB or 256MB of RAM.
Here's the deal, if you're truly interested in a fast, high-performance machine: get rid of that spamware disguised as Microsoft Windows. I've long called Windows the world's biggest computer virus. Think about it; what does Windows do?
1) It takes up huge amounts of your hard drive
2) Calling it a memory or system hog is a conservative statement
3) Periodically, your PC will seize up for no good reason or just plain crash
4) Windows is everywhere; it is the envy of all computer viruses with regards to its worldwide distribution.
5) And here's the kicker: you paid for this software.
Marybeth at Finder Creations goes the extra mile this week by providing us with four tasty recipes for children. She prefers them with gravy; I think baked in a pie is still the best way to go. Then again, I'm a fairy tale purist.
David(aka Gullyborg) of Resistance is Futile! gives us a decadent chocolate mousse "cheesecake", which you'll make in the must-have for every kitchen worth its weight in calories: a springform pan. I think my waistline expanded while just reading the doggone thing.
Dale at Mostly Cajun uses the wayback machine to give us the real, honest to goodness, home on the range, cowboy chili. It contains none of those fancy beans or tomatoes, just beef and chili powder. Okay, onions too. That's all you need: beef, chili powder and onions. And maybe some cloves of garlic. That's all you need: beef, chili powder, onions and some cloves of garlic. That's all you need...(okay, I couldn't resist inserting a reference to one of the greatest movies of all time; sue me).
Also, I still feel like what comes out of the south end of a north bound camel, but now I'm at least a little chipper[after eating the roast], ya know?
A much tastier cure for the common cold than cough syrup.
Owlish of Owlish Mutterings puts his leftover blackeyed peas and tomatoes to good use by making an "enchilada lasagna" in his Crock Pot, cooking it for 3-4 hours, which coincidentally is the length of an NFL playoff game. I'm just saying.
The authoress of this particular Carnival gives us another entry in the roast category this week, although Beth decides to use the other white meat instead of beef, which makes it a perfect way to pig out. Oh sure, like you weren't thinking of the exact same rotten joke.
Got any leftover champagne? Me neither, but if you did, then this recipe from Punctilious of the Blog o'Ram will put it to good use. And you'll probably need it to wash down the Wicked Mustard you put on your baked ham.
If your time is precious to you, then this recipe from Triticale is just what you've been looking for. Put everything into your slow cooker and go enjoy the day. When you return, something warm and delicious will be waiting for you.
Here's another doubleshot of recipes, this time from Christina over at Feisty Repartee. The first one is for Sand Tart cookies. Those will be a great followup to the Sweet and Sour Pork you'll be having for dinner.
And I, your humble host for this week's Carnival, bring you three desserts. Why yes, my dentist does have a summer home in Palm Springs. Why do you ask?
Thanks to everyone who submitted this week. If I somehow missed yours, let me know and I'll update the Carnival.
Update: Okay, somehow I missed a few recipes. Here goes the first Carnival addendum. It probably won't be the last. Sorry to all you folks that I missed the first time.
Also, a minor correction to my verbiage about Hellbilly's recipe. Sorry about the mixup; it makes much more sense this way. I'm nothing if not easily confused.
Update: Caltechgirl was kind enough to point me towards this recipe for Ghirardelli chocolate chip cookies, which I missed the
first second time. I think maybe I'll do a little baking when I get home tonight...
Final update: Don't forget that next week's Carnival will be hosted at One Happy Dog Speaks.
Network sues man for being massive jagoff
I don't watch Fear Factor. The concept is predictable: people will do anything to make money or appear on television. Everyone watching knows that the brain donor contestants will be forced to eat something that makes buzzards vomit, snorkel through a septic tank, or watch Michael Moore perform a striptease. In fact, the show gives you fair warning:
"Okay John, now dive headfirst into the bubbling pigshit and then open your mouth to scream for help!"
Viewers with the intellectual capacity of a euglena(no offense to all you single-celled organisms out there) know that maybe NOW would be a good time to find the ALL PORN! ALL THE TIME!! channel. Sure, a large number of viewers will stay, since they're hoping that the chick with big tits will lose her bikini top while puking in the corner, but they don't pretend that they don't know what's coming. So along comes this asswipe who's suing NBC for $2.5 million because he "could not stomach what he saw." Apparently, the nausea prevented him from using the effing remote sitting next to him, too.
Update: I see that Serenity is of the same opinion withr regards to this matter. See story #2.
So we're in the 21st century now and EPCOT-like houses aren't any closer to reality. Anyway, Michele tackles some of the
LIES!!! scientific predictions from 1961 and points out that things that didn't turn out quite as promised. Excerpt:
Crazy? Yes. Fact? Hardly. Have you seen a running theme here? Do I sound bitter over the one simple thing that I have been promised endlessly, generation after generation of imaginitave young men making promises they just can't keep? WHERE IS MY FLYING CAR, DAMN IT?
I've never been that big on flying cars. The thought of a drunk driver ploughing into the second floor of my house at night doesn't give me the warm fuzzies. But to each his/her own.
Four words that don't belong together: William Hung's movie career. Maybe he can play a mime so I won't have to hear him sing again.
Looks like the first score of the year, and a solo shot to boot.
I guess I have a lot of company in last place, though.
Well, I've missed a few Carnivals lately, what with two little ones around the house. I'm making up for it this week with
one two three desserts this week. I give you the following:
3 ea Eggs
3/4 c Brown sugar
1/2 t Nutmeg
1/2 t Cinnamon
1/2 t Salt
2 T Melted butter
1 T Flour
1 T Corn-starch
1 1/2 c Molasses
Beat egg yolks until thick. Add molasses and butter. Combine sugar, spices, salt, flour, and corn-starch. Add to first mixture. Mix thoroughly. Fold in stiffly beaten egg whites. Pour into pastry-lined pie pan. Bake in hot oven (425 F) about 15 minutes. Cover pie with a layer of pecans. Sprinkle with sugar. Continue baking 15 minutes.
Fudge Truffle Cheesecake
=== crust ===
1 1/2 c Vanilla wafer crumbs
1/2 c Powdered sugar
1/3 c cocoa powder
1/3 c Butter or margarine; melted
2 c semi-sweet chocolate chips
24 oz Cream cheese; (3-8oz pkg), softened
14 oz sweetened condensed milk
2 ts Vanilla
For Crust: In medium bowl, combine the crumbs, powdered sugar, cocoa and butter or margarine. Press firmly on bottom of (10-inch springform pan.
For Cake: Heat oven to 300 degrees. In heavy saucepan, over very low heat, melt chips, stirring constantly. In large mixer bowl, beat cheese until fluffy. Gradually beat in sweetened condensed milk until smooth. Add melted chips and remaining ingredients; mix well.
Pour into prepared pan. Bake 1 hour and 5 minutes or until center is set. Cool: chill. Refrigerate leftovers.
Triple Chocolate Pudding Cake
1 c Biscuit mix
1/2 c Sugar
3/4 c Milk; divided
1/4 c cocoa powder
1/3 c Butter; melted
3/4 c chocolate; chpped
1 ts Vanilla
1 c semi-sweet chocolate
3/4 c Hot water
Whipped topping; or
Heat oven to 350F. Grease a 8 inch square baking pan. In medium bowl, combine baking mix, sugar and cocoa; stir in 1/2 cup milk, butter, 1/4 cup topping and vanilla until blended. Stir in 1/2 cup chocolate chips; spread evenely in prepared pan. In small bowl, combine remaining 1/4 cup milk, remaining 1/2 cup topping and hot water. Pour liquid mixture carefully over top of mixture in pan; do not stir. Sprinkle remaining 1/2 cup chips over surface. Bake 40 to 45 minutes or until center is set and cake begins to pull away from sides of pan. Let stand 15 minutes; spoon into dessert dishes, spooning pudding from bottom of pan over top. Serve warm; garnish with whipped topping if desired. Refrigerate leftovers.
I guessed he learned nuance from John Kerry
Hindrocket links to an article describing an Oliver Stone press conference in which Stone states why Alexander blew chunks at the box office. Here's the quote:
Stone said the commercial failure of "Alexander" in the United States could be linked to "f**king NASCAR fan fag-bashers."
Okay, maybe I paraphrased a little bit. In any event, Stone thinks that us stoopid 'Mer-cans apparently wouldn't tear ourselves away from our daily worship of the Confederate flag to watch Alexander once we heard that he was a poof. Oh no, he's on to me!
You think that protestors outside nuclear power plants are dedicated activists, but protestors outside abortion clinics are dangerous zealots interfering with a legal activity. You believe that more federal regulations will make your life better. You believe that even though the top 20 percent of taxpayers pay 80 percent of income taxes, that the rich are not paying their “fair share.” You think that Rush Limbaugh’s listeners are mindless “dittoheads,” but you have never doubted anything that you heard from Michael Moore. You believe in global warming today just as firmly as you believed in global cooling back in the 1970s. You believe that the network news is a better indicator of what “real” news is than talk radio, Internet news sites, and blogs. You believe that there was never, ever a problem with biased news coverage until Fox News went on the air. You believe that Mikhail Gorbachev deserves more credit for losing the Cold War than Ronald Reagan deserves for winning it. Your parents gave you an acre of preserved rain forest for your first birthday. You cannot name a single NASCAR driver. You mentally subtract 100 points from someone’s IQ if the person speaks with a Southern accent. You think that Dan Rather got a raw deal.
You think that if someone is getting richer, someone, somewhere, must be getting poorer.
You think that protestors outside nuclear power plants are dedicated activists, but protestors outside abortion clinics are dangerous zealots interfering with a legal activity.
You believe that more federal regulations will make your life better.
You believe that even though the top 20 percent of taxpayers pay 80 percent of income taxes, that the rich are not paying their “fair share.”
You think that Rush Limbaugh’s listeners are mindless “dittoheads,” but you have never doubted anything that you heard from Michael Moore.
You believe in global warming today just as firmly as you believed in global cooling back in the 1970s.
You believe that the network news is a better indicator of what “real” news is than talk radio, Internet news sites, and blogs.
You believe that there was never, ever a problem with biased news coverage until Fox News went on the air.
You believe that Mikhail Gorbachev deserves more credit for losing the Cold War than Ronald Reagan deserves for winning it.
Your parents gave you an acre of preserved rain forest for your first birthday.
You cannot name a single NASCAR driver.
You mentally subtract 100 points from someone’s IQ if the person speaks with a Southern accent.
You think that Dan Rather got a raw deal.
Maybe we can kill these guys twice, once for smuggling in heroin and once for sewing the crap into the bellies of puppies.
This story made me a little uneasy. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but some of the quotations didn't appear quite right to me. Excerpt:
Tiny "miracle babies" make for heartwarming stories, but in reality nearly half of all infants born extremely premature have significant learning and physical disabilities by the time they reach school age, the largest such study found.
Medical advances have allowed doctors to save earlier and smaller babies. While some developmental problems are known to be common among such children, the long-term consequences were not entirely clear.
"We needed to have some idea of really what this group was like when they grew up," said one of the researchers, Dr. Neil Marlow, a neonatologist at the University of Nottingham in England.
Guidelines call for not resuscitating the most severely premature babies, but where to draw the line is a controversial and emotional decision. The study's findings may help guide doctors and parents about whether it is wise to use heroic measures.
"Parents need to go into this situation with their eyes wide open and with an open dialogue with their doctors as to what they should do," Marlow said.
Why not? Everyone else is laying claim to the moon and clouds. I'm grabbing a planet that's sure to be a tourist attraction in 2113, which will generate a lot of revenue for my descendants. Just call it really long-term financial planning.
Have you ever been caught off guard when someone walks up to you and asks, "What's the square root of X?" Me, too. Usually, I can remember approximations for most square roots up through, uh, maybe I won't finish that statement. Anyway, sometimes the numbers are just too damn big or I need more digits after the decimal place than I can comfortably work out. It's times like that when you really need Newton's formula:
b represents the number for which you're seeking the square root and x is your first guess. Wanna see how it all works? Of course you do! Observe:
Let's say that you need the square root of 13 and we want to be within 0.00001 of the actual value. For simplicity, we'll make x the same as b, the number we're taking the square root of.
NewX=7, difference is 6
NewX=4.428571, difference is 2.571429
NewX=3.682028, difference is 0.746544
NewX=3.606345, difference is 0.075682
NewX=3.6055514, difference is 0.000794
NewX=3.605551, difference <0.000001
There you have it: the square root of 13 is approximately 3.605551.
I feel better already.
The headline says it all: "Teri Hatcher hasn't had sex in four years".
I think I'm going to cry. Some things are just too horrible to contemplate. ::sniff:: Tip o' the blog to Annie.
Well, the new year is already well under way and I haven't pissed anyone off yet. Okay, maybe a little. Anyway, it's time for some more recycled humor. I give you the following:
Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball/soccer/basketball/etc.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
27. Good beer costs less than good women.
28. A beer is always satisfying.
29. A beer doesn't change its mind after you've taken off its top.
30. Beer doesn't expect an hour of foreplay before satisfying you.
31 . Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you brought.
32. Beer won't drive you to drink.
33. You can shoot a beer.
34. A beer chaser is easier to catch.
35. You don't need a license to live with a beer.
36. A tree is good enough for a beer.
37. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
38. You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.
39. A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.
40. You can't get thrown in jail for having a beer under the grandstand at halftime.
41. Afterwards, a beer won't feel guilty, cry, propose, call her mother, your ex-wife or her therapist.
42. Beer never bugs you to have little beers.
43. If your preference for a type of beer changes, you don't have to get involved with lawyers.
44. Beers don't want a lasting relationship.
45. A beer doesn't make you sleep onthe couch after you've taken six other beers on a picnic.
46. After you've put your lips to a beer, a beer never asks, "What are you doing?"
47. Finishing a beer in 3 seconds is something to be proud of.
48. You can have a beer on your lunch hour.
49. A beer never wants to stay up afterwards talking about respect.
50. A beer won't slap you in the face for putting it between your legs at a drive-in movie.
51. A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
And don't think that the men are getting off easy, either. Here comes the rebuttal:
Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Men
1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
3. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
4. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
5. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
8. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
9. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
10. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
11. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
12. If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
13. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
14. A beer doesn't sulk.
15. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
16. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
17. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
18. A beer doesn't snore.
19. A beer can't interrupt.
20. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.
21. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
22. A beer doesn't belch. Or fart.
23. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
24. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
25. A good beer is easy to find.
26. A beer can't pout.
27. A beer doesn't have a mother.
28. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
29. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
30. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
31. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
32. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
33. A beer doesn't want children.
34. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
35. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
36. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
37. Hangovers go away.
38. A beer tastes good.
39. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
40. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
41. A beer's life does not revolve around the football.
42. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
43. A beer never needs a shave.
44. You don't have to let a beer win.
45. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
46. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too.
47. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
48. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
49. A beer will never drink the last beer.
50. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
51. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
52. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
53. A beer is never temperamental.
54. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
55. A cold beer is a good beer.
56. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
57. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
58. A beer won't steal the covers.
Overindulge a bit during the holidays, did you? Wake up feeling like a production of Stomp was going on in your noggin? Well then, pay attention: this article is for you. Excerpt:
You're hung over - some cures?
- Sleep. It gives your body time to recover. A tired or unfit drinker is especially vulnerable to hangovers.
- Keep drinking water.
- Eat. Complex carbohydrates such as bread and pasta will raise your blood sugar level. Bananas are excellent because they contain complex carbohydrates, potassium and Vitamin C. And if your stomach can't face food? Chamomile tea is best, and make the first cup really strong. The chamomile will help your stomach, and if you take in quantities of water with the tea, it will ease the pain.
- Exercise. This will help you sweat the alcohol out of your system.
- Sex. See exercise.
There are doctors who claim hangovers are mostly mental. In that case you may feel the need to punish yourself with a more exotic cures. If so, try the Middle Ages mixture of bitter almonds and raw eel. Or mix together vinegar and raw eggs, and swig them down with a giant gulp.
You might decide you were better off stopping at cure No. 5 above.
Last night, we had our annual faculty meeting to discuss the standard blah-blah that the university issues. However, the dean added a twist to yesterday's meeting: he began by reading aloud an email from one of our professors, whose name I shall not mention on this blog. I'll paraphrase the message since I don't possess a hard copy:
In a related matter, my sister was overwhelmed by a large wave and dragged out to sea. In what I can only call another miracle, she was returned to us safe and sound. I wanted to send this message to all my friends and colleagues at the university. My family and I are grateful for the miracles that spared our lives, and are especially grateful to be safe and sound back in the US. Please pass this message along to everyone and tell them I look forward to seeing them next week.
This holiday season, my wife, my sister and I went on vacation with our parents to our usual place along the coast of the Indian sub-continent. Morning dawned with a beautiful sunset. Around mid-morning, a large group of us entered a shelter to wait for boat; we were going to take a day trip to [some] island. All of a sudden, the large waves started rolling in. No one could out of the doors and the water was rising rapidly. I yelled at someone to break the windows, which he did. Then I started shoving people out the window as the waves kept crashing into the building. Right after my mother and wife climbed out, I clambered out myself. Just then, another huge wave crashed into the building and it collapsed. All of us climbed to higher ground, feeling thankful for our escape.
In a related matter, my sister was overwhelmed by a large wave and dragged out to sea. In what I can only call another miracle, she was returned to us safe and sound.
I wanted to send this message to all my friends and colleagues at the university. My family and I are grateful for the miracles that spared our lives, and are especially grateful to be safe and sound back in the US. Please pass this message along to everyone and tell them I look forward to seeing them next week.
The ocean is a harsh mistress. She rarely gives back that which she takes, and even then it's only grudgingly.
A few years ago, Stephen King was hit and nearly killed after being hit by a car while crossing the street. He and his wife have called every day since then "bonus time". I'm betting that the professor feels the same way.
Annika posted excerpts and an image from a story about a a Swedish toddler who somehow survived the tsunami and was reunited with his father. As the father of 2 children who help give my life meaning, I can only imagine the despair that the father experienced, and the subsquent surprised joy. There's another part of the story that's not so good though:
But Hannes' mother, Suzanne Bergstroem, was still among some 5,000 people missing in Thailand.
My prayers are with all of the victims.
The Physics Geek(me) is hosting this week's Carnival of the Recipes. Please submit any and all links to your recipes to recipe.carnival (at) gmail.com . If you don't have a blog, just send me the recipe and I'll post it,
taking all the credit for myself giving you the credit.
I'm going to guess what Steve might submit:
Butter-Fried, Lard-Coated Fat Sticks
10 pounds of beef or pork fat, preferably both
10 pound tub of lard
10 pounds of butter
non-stick oil spray
Spray some oil onto your tongue, just to get into the right frame of mind. Next, coat the fat chunks with enough lard so that a 2-inch layer has formed. If you run out of lard, buy some more. The 2-inch layer is critical.
Put your cast iron skillet onto a burner set at medium heat; melt the butter. Slowly drop the lard-coated fat chunks into the butter and heat until everything becomes a gooey, viscous oily mass. Remove from heat and let cool. Dig in with a spoon; a little hot sauce adds some zest. Remember: this is all part of your Atkins friendly diet.
Okay, here are my Dead Pool picks for this year. I will guarantee that I have several solo shots available due to my penchant for picking really old, extremely obscure people with only tenous ties to celebrity status. Most of them tend to live forever, though. Anyway, I give you the picks: