July 11, 2005

Redneck rules of etiquette

PERSONAL HYGIENE

* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and sometimes alter the taste of finger foods.


DINING OUT

* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

* A centerpiece for the table should not be something prepared by a taxidermist.

* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners
are.


DATING (Outside the Family)

* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the FIRST date.

* Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


THEATER ETIQUETTE

* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby. and picked up immediately, after the movie has ended.

* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS

* Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

* When kissing the bride, it's impolite to use your tongue.

* For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt is considered tacky in some circles

* Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE

* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

* When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires and the most guns in the rack always has the right of way.

* Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

* Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

* Do not lay rubber when leaving a funeral or burial site.


TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

* Never take beer to a job interview, leave it outside.

* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church, no matter how long the sermon.

* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered poor taste to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Posted by Physics Geek at July 11, 2005 03:06 PM | TrackBack StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
Comments

* Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

NOW you're just being silly. I can't think of a SINGLE wedding I've attended that a few goats wouldn't have livened up :-P

Posted by: Harvey at July 11, 2005 04:36 PM

Your bachelor party must have been interesting....

Posted by: physics geek at July 11, 2005 08:06 PM