June 24, 2005

Geeky post to follow

Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These instructions are frequently abbreviated into total incomprehensibility.

Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of instructions. Frequently when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions.

These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first time.


ARG : Agree to Run Garbage
BDM : Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS : Damage Disk and Stop
EMR : Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO : Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE : Fake Serious Error
GSI : Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS : Go Quarter Speed
HEM : Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD : Inhale Dust and Die
IKI : Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU : Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF : Jam Paper Feed
JUM : Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP : Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM : Launch Nuclear Missiles
MAW : Make Aggravating WhineNNI : Neglect Next Instruction
OBU : Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG : Pass Noxious Gas
QWF : Quit Working Forever
QVC : Question Valid Command
RWD : Read Wrong Device
SCE : Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ : Send Data to Japan
TTC : Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC : Use Bad Chip
VDP : Violate Design Parameters
VMB : Verify and Make Bad
WAF : Warn After Fact
XID : eXchange Instruction with Data
YII : Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM : Zero All Memory
PI : Punch Invalid
POPI : Punch Operator Immediately
RASC : Read And Shred Card
RPM : Read Programmers Mind
RSSC : Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
RTAB : Rewind Tape and Break
RWDSK : ReWind DiSK
SPSW : Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD : Seek Record and Scar Disk
WBT : Water Binary Tree

Update: I forgot a couple:


CPL: create permanent loop
ICR: ignore carriage return (see SPO)
JCF: joggle cards to floor
PST: pinch and stretch tape
SPO: shred paper output
WWD: write wrong device

and the ever-popular
FSM: fold, spindle, and mutilate

For the record, I was a mainframe Assembly language programmer for 4 years. I am to be pitied.

Posted by Physics Geek at June 24, 2005 03:45 PM StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
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Posted by: VW Bug at June 24, 2005 09:40 PM

You know you've been programming in assembler too long when:

You start balancing your checkbook in octal.

Posted by: Frank Borger at June 25, 2005 06:35 AM

I bow before you geekitude.

Posted by: Harvey at June 25, 2005 01:27 PM

Bow down before me, you pretenders to the geek throne.

Posted by: physics geek at June 25, 2005 02:46 PM

huh? ;-)

Posted by: Sissy at June 25, 2005 09:13 PM

Don't those mnemonics include HCF, Halt and Catch Fire?

Posted by: Joseph Hertzlinger at June 25, 2005 11:37 PM

A new one for the file.

Posted by: physics geek at June 26, 2005 09:03 PM