February 02, 2005

Crappy jokes of the day

Helen had requested some jokes in her comments; she was having one of those days. Anyway, I'm reposting here the 3 that I dropped over there. Might as well make more people suffer. Right?

Top Ten Signs You're Suffering From Burnout:

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream,
"Get off my back!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because
you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.

2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
=======================================
Bungee Jumping in Mexico
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Eke and Zeb decided to build a bungee jumping tower in Cabo San
Lucas, to make a little money. After they got it set up, they noticed
the crowds gather, but nobody bought tickets....

Zeke tells Zeb, "Maybe we should demonstrate it, so they'll get the
idea." After Zeb is strapped in he jumps, falling almost all they way
to the ground before springing back.

As Zeb came back up, Zeke noticed that his clothes were all torn
and wondered what this is was all about.

Zeb went down again, bouncing as jumping this way does, and this time
when he came back, up Zeke noticed that Zeb was bleeding.

Zeke thought, "Wow...what's going on here? Is the cord too short?
Is he touching ground?

Zeb went back down for a third time, and this time when he sprung
back up, Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all
over his body. "Huh?"

Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"

Zeb groaned out in obvious pain, "I don't know... but what's a pinata?
=======================================
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all
the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where
he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but
they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me."

He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him, swooping
down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of
trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled
around him, licking their lips.

"Do you see that tree over there?"

"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Well...I didn't!"
=========================
Update: This is either the third or fourth time that I channeled Harvey while typing a post, thereby allowing me to fulfill my Alliance duties without really trying. Okay, I'll grant you that it looks like I'm not really trying most of the time. But still. Anyway, I'll be adding more pointless jokes as the day progresses.
=================================

There was a group of Russian soldiers close to a high, narrow ravine.
The sergeant goes close to the edge, looks down, then turns around and says:
- Soldier Ivanov!
- Sir!
- Put yourself in this position:

O
*---------.
| | |
| |
,----
| |
|


- Yes sir!
- Now jump!
- I'm sorry!!???
- I said JUMP, soldier!
- Yes sir!
The soldier jumps.
The Sergeant looks down to the abyss again, thinks for a while and says:
- Soldier Pyetrov!
- Sir!
- Move a little to your left!
- Yes sir!
- Put yourself in this position:
|
O |
,-----'
| | |
| | |
----'
| `--
|

- Yes sir!
- Now jump!
- Yes sir!
The man jumps into the void...
Again the sergeant looks down, thinks and yells:
- Soldier Sidorov!
- Sir!
- Move yourself a little to the right and kneel!
- Yes sir!
- Jump!
- Yes sir!, (and jumps)
The Sergeant analyses again the situation and says:
- Soldier Strogoff!
- Sir!
- Put yourself in this position:
O
*-----------.
| | |
| |
,-------.
| |
| |

At that moment a jeep stops. The Captain in the jeep gets up and yells:
"Stop that at once!!"
The sergeant approaches the jeep and speaks to the captain:
- Sir, you undermine my authority when you overrule me before the men.
The captain replies:
- Sergeant Tchebychevich, I DON'T CARE!!!!! And I warn you,
you'll be court-martialled if I find you playing Tetris with the soldiers again!

----------------------------------------------------------
US Air Force Oath of Enlistment
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of my *snicker* "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-cothes, chair borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.
__________________________
Signature, Date

US Army Oath of Enlistment
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So help me God.
__________________________
Signature, Date

US Navy Oath of Enlistment
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and ensignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.
__________________________
Signature, Date

US Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment
I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight... *grunt* cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH! So help me Corps.
__________________________
Signature, Date
==================================================
Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to the others, "My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces."

"Ha!", said Army, "My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it."

Army calls a Private over from the tower. He tells the Private, "I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute."

"Yes, Sir!!!", the Private yells and proceeds to climb the tower. The Private walks to the edge, yells "Hoo-ahh!", and jumps off the tower. He is killed instantly upon impact.

"That's nothing," the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a Senior Airman over. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute. And I want you to do it with style."

"Yes, Sir!!!", the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact.

"Hmmph," the Marine growled. "Ya'll obviously forgot the Marine Corps was here", he said (yelling "Marine Corps!" as all Marines tend to do.)

He calls a Lance Corporal over. "Marine, I want you to jump off that tower and make the Corps proud!"

The Corporal yells, "Ooh-rah!", by way of response and runs to the tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two grenades into the air, yells "Semper Fi Do or Die!", and jumps off. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air, clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades. When the smoke clears, only little pieces of the Marine are left.

The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration. Then the Admiral says, "That's nothing". The others turn to face the Admiral, their faces in disbelief. The Admiral calls a Seaman over who was cleaning latrines. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute."

The Seaman looks the Admiral in the face and says, "Fuck you! You kiss, my ass first!" and walks off.

The Admiral turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S courage!"
=========================================

Posted by Physics Geek at February 2, 2005 06:19 PM StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
Comments

Heh. Not bad.

Which gets me thinking... some days you're the bat, some days you're the tree :-)

Posted by: Harvey at February 2, 2005 06:32 PM

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. Hmmm. I feel a little damp today.

Posted by: physics geek at February 2, 2005 07:38 PM

By the way, submit these for the new PGH assignment.

And any more that you can find.

Posted by: Harvey at February 3, 2005 03:55 PM