June 30, 2004

Precision guided humor assignment

I'm back from vacation and ready to write crappy attempts at humorperform my Alliance duties. Here is this week's assignment: What excuses will Air America come up with to explain their poor performance?

Well, let's begin by looking at their shows and hosts:

1) The O'Franken Factor- Oh, I get it! It's a play on the O'Reilley Factor. Funny! Too bad the show isn't. When you've styled yourself as the liberal Rush Limbaugh, you ought to pay attention to what makes him so popular: humor and insight. Screeching "Bushitler!" while flinging feces at your microphone probably isn't the way to build an audience. I'm just sayin' is all. And hosted by Al(ice) Franken and Katherine Lanpher. Wow. You can just smell the charisma coming off of them in waves.. Oh wait, that isn't charisma I smell.

2) The Majority Report- Pffttttt! Crap, there goes my soda. The title implies that the majority of Americans are wacko leftwing nutjobs. Or maybe it just means most of Hollywood. Okay, they have a point. Anyway, it's hosted by Janeane Garofalo and Sam Seder. Confession time: I think Janeane is cute. Now don't barf on me. My (slight) infatuation goes back to her days on the Larry Sanders show. She was funny and hot. Hey, I like my women with curves. And maybe she's ugly compared to Uma Thurman, but so what? Lots of women are by that standard. She even struck me as pretty bright over the years. Too bad she's got the Kool-Aid IV working these days. Anyway, Air America has apparently teamed her up with Orville Redenbacher. Give the leftists credit: it takes talent to find someone that makes Garofalo look like a heavyweight by comparison.

3) The Randi Rhodes Show- Here's the description: Randi brings her own brand of provocative and infectiously humorous talk to Air America Radio.

She's infectious like a flesh-eating bacteria. This shrieking harpy makes me want to jam a meat thermometer in my ear and pound it in with a sledgehammer.

Okay, I have to quit now: my breakfast is attempting to swim upstream. On to the excuses:

- Al Franken exudes such raw animal magnetism that others feel inferior just listening to him. To prevent this from happening, people don't listen to his show. Or any of the others.

- The average listener doesn't have the intellectul depth to handle the subtle difference between "Bush=HItler" and "Bush is Hitler".

- Evil conservatives are burning down all radio stations that want to carry Air America. I have "vivid and painful memories of Air America radio stations being burned in my own state when I was a child"...

- "It's not poor perfomance; it's different performance. Who's to say that an Arbitron rating of 10.0 is better than one of 0.00000000000000000000000001?"

- The nasty Republicans are going to disrupt my daughter's wedding! Whoops, wrong paranoid fantasy. My bad.

- We haven't sacrificed enough goats on the altar in our Hillary shrine.

- YEEEAARRGGHHHH!

Well, that sucked. Anyway, homework is done.

Posted by Physics Geek at June 30, 2004 03:11 PM StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
Comments

Well done.

Posted by: Garrett O'Hara at July 1, 2004 08:39 PM

Hey, i heard this today ;-)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Posted by: Jokes Page! at September 29, 2004 10:31 AM