December 22, 2011
Fantasy football sucks
I tied the 1st place team in week one of the playoffs. Bastard won due to more points throughout the season.
Oh well. Turns out that it was bad for Aaron Rodgers to finally have a sub-par week.
Stumble It!A heart-warming Christmas story (repost)
My Christmas Story
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping
done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas
season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was
loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I
was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath,
I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet
sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years
old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged
flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he
was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten
lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.
He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had
three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years
old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made
very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to
save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young
boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the
money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take
the bus home.
He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the
hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And
nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and
sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken
boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry
forhelp.
So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
December 05, 2011
This is so awesome that I want to marry it
And I'm not even an Apple fan boi: Disguise your iPad as an Apple II
November 26, 2011
November 11, 2011
Beer here!
Well, after a two year delay, brew day is almost upon me again (the third child kind of put a crimp in my brewing area- it became a nursery). The beer to brew? A Delirium Tremens clone. If you haven't had it yet -look for the bottle with the pink elephants on it- I strongly suggest that you go out and get a bottle. Drive back home, crack it open and sip it. Do not attempt to drive afterwards, as it is more than little potent.
Where was I? Oh yeah: ingredients. Turns out that mice really, really like malt sugar and since I don't enjoy poop and pee in my beer (kind of why I don't like Budweiser), I had to chuck it and order more. And here's where it gets funny: my supplier didn't ship it because one of the two yeasts I ordered was back ordered. They didn't bother to inform in time. Nice, huh? Anyway, I started scrambling for substitutes.
1) Grains of paradise: use cardamom or black peppercorns
2) Belgian candi sugar: use table sugar. Really.
3) Biscuit malt and aromatic malt? Well, this one is trickier because I cannot get the usual substitutes. However, I'm going to modify the amount of Cara-Pils I had planned to use and toss in some other crystal and chocolate malt. It'll be close enough.
4) Wyeast Belgian Abbey Ale or Belgian Strong Ale? Don't have them (thanks guys!), so I'm going to mix Belgian Abbey Ale II and some dry yeast.
Instead of brewing Delirium Tremens, I'm brewing Delirious Geek. My guess is that it will turn out just fine, albeit slightly different than what I was expecting. As with all brewing, ahem, experiments, I'm curious to see just how good the alternative recipe will be.
Bottling day will be a few weeks in the future. I'll provide an update then.
Oh, maybe you'd like to see the actual recipe? Here goes most of what I'll toss into the pot:
15 oz. mixed cara-pils, chocolate and Munich malt steeped in pot at 150F for 30 minutes. Strain water into brew pot. Sparge grains (fancy word for pouring water over/through grain) with 1/2 gallon of 150F water. Bring water to a boil, remove from the heat and add:
7.5 lb. M&F light dry malt extract
1.5 lbs table sugar (candi sugar substitute)
1 lb. Lyle's Golden Syrup
1.5 oz Williamette hops @ 4.7% AA (7.1 HBU) (bittering hop)
Add water in brew pot until the volume is 3.5 gallons. Boil for 45 minutes then add:
1/4 oz Williamette hops (flavor)
1/4 oz Cascade hops (flavor)
1 tsp Irish Moss
Boil for 11 minutes then add
1/4 oz. Cascade hops (aroma)
1/4 tsp cardamom or black peppercorns
Boil for 4 minutes. Remove the pot from the stove and chill the wort for 20 minutes. Strain the cooled wort into the primary fermenter and add cold water to obtain 5-1/8 gallons. When temperature drops below 80F, pitch the yeast:
Wyeast Belgian Abbey Ale II
1 packet dry yeast
Ferment in the primary for 7 days or until fermentation slows, then rack (siphon) into the secondary stage fermenter (5 gallon glass carboy). Prime the beer win the second stage with another dose of the same strain of fresh yeast. In my case, I'll prime with Belgian Abbey Ale yeast, assuming it's sent to me. Bottle when fermentation is complete and beer has cleared (approximately 6 weeks) with:
1/2 cup corn sugar and 1/3 cup table sugar (candi sugar) that has been boiled in 2 cups water.
Happy brewing.
August 31, 2011
Great American Beer Festival
Well, I'm headed back to Denver after a 2 year absence. Anyone interested in meeting up for some Fat Tire and a Thai Pie at Old Chicago's should leave me a message in the comments. I'll let you know how to find me.
August 18, 2011
August 07, 2011
Profound ignorance on display
I've watched, with both horror and interest, the debate over America's current insolvency problem. Excuse, the "raising the debt ceiling" debate. Interest because I want to see if we as a country as actually willing to tackle this issue and horror because I cannot believe the numerical illiteracy on display.
1) Those so called punitive cuts were not cuts. When you add 7 trillion in debt over 10 years instead of only 10 trillion, that's not a cut. You can argue all you want but we as a country are currently projected to spend 7-8 trillion more than we have over the next decade, raising our country's debt to more than 21 trillion.
2) Moody's and S&P both wanted at least 4 trillion in cuts in DC's deal, regardless of the cuts being fraudulent DC cuts or not. The current deal did NOT reach that point. Ergo, the downgrade.
3) All you increase revenue people keep ignoring history and reality. History shows that regardless of taxation levels, the revenue always-always- comes back to around 19% of GDP. History shows that increasing taxes is a drag on the economy. And the reality is that no matter what level of revenue comes into DC, the dimwits on Capitol Hill will find a way to spend more. Those blowjobs your unicorn is giving you doesn't change any of those points.
4) Increasing taxes on businesses? No such thing. Taxes and fees are a cost of doing business and that cost is passed onto to all of the consumers, meaning that "tax increases on the rich" are actually taxes on everyone. Feel free to ask the former carpenters, electricians and shipwrights who used to work in the northeast how that yacht building business is going these days. Oh right, you can't: the "taxes on the rich" kill that industry here and moved it permanently overseas.
5) The phrase "allowing the Bush tax cuts to expire" is complete and utter horseshit. Those rate adjustments have been law for a decade. Repealing them is a tax increase. And to those idiots who say "we're simply reverting to a previous level of taxation", I say that going back to the maximum 2% envisioned when the income tax was codified would be awesome. Somehow, I don't think that that's exactly what they mean.
You know how to increase revenues? Get more people employed, which broadens the tax bases. To do so, our government would have to do things it has intention of doing: reducing onerous and costly regulations and taxes on businesses. But hey, why try what's always worked instead of what's always failed?
Oh yeah: I plan on blogging semi-regularly again. I used to do it on my lunch hour or at home. The first one can't happen anymore because work blocks my ability to do so and the second one was made a lot tougher when child #3 came along. But he's old enough now for me to get a few minutes to myself now and again.
July 10, 2011
Still here
Okay, I'm found more often on Twitter these days because (a) it's quicker and (b) it's not blocked at work. However, I have no desire to let this block completely die, no matter how withered its corpse may appear right now. In any event, stay tuned because I plan to renew my brewing beer series. Hopefully some of you will want to join in and brew with me.
June 02, 2011
And the hits just keep on coming
Firefox 5 is in beta 3 now. Seriously? I just upgraded to Firefox 4.
I do wonder what the future holds for web browsers. Are we going to go all Tidy Bowl man in the monitor, or is it more virtual reality beemed directly into my cerebral cortex? And please, none of you biology majors give me crap about which part of the brain receives such information.
Unrelated: How awesome is this t-shirt design?
May 05, 2011
That took too long
I posted- or rather, tried- to post a few days ago. MT says is published and I even rebuilt the site. It finally shows up today. Nice
Oh, and does anyone have a decent replacement for Blogrolling? I could hand code the entire thing, but I'm essentially lazy and am looking for something else to do the heavy lifting.
Eh. I'll probably do it anyway. There are some links to update and some- sadly- to remove because those bloggers have gone away and are never coming back. Unlike this awesome chick, of course.
April 29, 2011
Must purchase tickets early
Harvey links to what looks like a totally awesome sequel to When Harry Met Sally.
March 15, 2011
Pity me
What do you get when you cross a fondness for both Dylan Thomas and D&D? Abominations like the following:
=================================
Do not open that dungeon door,
EXP awaits those who survive;
Rage, rage against the opening of that door.
Though meat shields will swing the claymore,
And with their swords they might shuck and jive,
They do not open that dungeon door.
Magicians, wearing robes like a five dollar whore
Who hide behind others to survive,
Rage, rage against the opening of that door.
Small thiefs who perform acts to deplore,
And learned to late that the lich was alive,
Do not open that dungeon door.
Archers, from a distance so cocksure
While shooting bees off of the beehive,
Rage, rage against the opening of that door.
And you, party members, looking to explore,
Pray to whatever that you might stay alive.
Do not open that dungeon door.
Rage, rage against the opening of that door.
==============================
I know what you're thinking: that guy never got laid in college. Well, I did have some cool Ral Partha figurines, so it's a wash. Right?
February 10, 2011
Best New York style cheesecake recipe
There are other recipes that claim to be the best cheesecake recipes on the planet. Obviously, the people who say that are liars and should be shunned in polite company. In any event, here's a recipe that makes a high-rising, beautiful cheesecake which will not have any cracks marring its surface. Enjoy.
========================================================
Ingredients
----------------
1 sleeve of graham crackers (I used cinnamon flavored, but any flavor should be fine)
6 tbsp of butter, melted
2 tbsp sugar
2-1/2 lbs. (5 packages) of cream cheese, softened to room temperature
1/8 tsp. salt
1-1/2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons of real vanilla extract (I used Mexican vanilla, but anything that’s not fake will be fine)
2 teaspoon of lemon juice (fresh or bottled)
1/3 cup sour cream
6 eggs
2 egg yolks
Directions
-------------
Lightly grease nine inch springform pan (preferably non-stick) or line the bottom with foil.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Finely crush sleeve of graham crackers (rolling pin, food processor, whatever)
Mix graham cracker crumbs with sugar and 5-1/2 tbsp of the butter with a fork until crumbly (reserve the remaining butter for brushing the springform pan)
Press the crumbs into the bottom of the prepared pan and bake for 13 minutes. Remove to wire rack to cool while you prepare the filling.
Brush the sides of the springform pan with remaining melted butter generously after the crust has cooled.
Turn oven up to 500 degrees.
In a large bowl, beat the cream cheese for about 2 minutes, to get out most of the big lumps, with the salt. Add the sugar in thirds, beating after each addition; scrape down the sides of the bowl. Beat for about one minutes for each addition.
Add the sour cream, lemon juice and vanilla. Mix well.
Add the eggs two at a time, beating well after each addition, including the two extra yolks.
Pour into cooled crust and place springform pan on a lipped baking sheet in case there is spillover.
Bake at 500 degrees for 10 minutes. Reduce heat to 200 degrees.
DO NOT OPEN THE OVEN DOOR!!!
Bake 90 minutes.
Remove from oven and cool for five minutes on wire rack.
Run knife gently around the outer edge of the cheesecake. This detaches it from the sides of the pan and helps prevent cracking as the cheesecake cools.
Allow to cool for 3 hours at room temperature.
Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 3 hours.
Best served within 30 minutes after it comes out of the refrigerator.
A lesson in economics
You've heard the phrase your entire life: tax cuts for the rich. What exactly do people mean when they say that "the majority of the tax cuts go to the wealthy"? And assuming that the wealthy do receive the majority of the tax cuts, how is it that the rich's share of the tax burden increased over the last forty or so years? Allow me to illustrate:
Suppose that there are two people, person A and person B. Person A earns $100,000 each year (evil rich person- cue ominous sounding music), whicl person B brings home a salary of $10,000. When this story starts, the tax rate for both wage earners is 10%. This isn't a real world example of course, as the 100k earner would be paying a much higher rate, but let's keep it simple.
Anyway, A pays $10,000 per year in taxes while B pays $1,000 per year. Person A's share of the total tax burden? 91%. Person B, on the other hand, pays 9% of the taxes in this two person economy.
Now the politicians decide to cut taxes for everyone. Person A gets a 5% cut in his tax rate while Person B gets a 50% cut. B's tax rate is now 5% of his income, while A's rate is now 9.5%. B pays $500 per year, A pays $9,500 per year and the total tax revenue is now $10,000, instead of the previous $11,000.
Let's look at what happened each person's share of the total tax burden. A's $500 is now %5 of the total tax burden, while B, who is paying less taxes than he did the year before, is now paying 95%. A received a much smaller percentage cut than B, but now ends up paying a greater share of the taxes.
Okay, let's now state that evil rich person A isn't paying his fair share. Person B gets his taxes reduced to 0.5%, or $5 per year. Since it's an election year, person A also gets his tax rate reduced to 9%, or $9,000 per year. Person B received a 99% reduction in his taxes whiler Person A received only a 5.26% decrease in his taxes. However, Person A received a somewhat larger dollar tax cut, $500 versus $450 for Person B. Person A now pays 99.99% of the total tax burden in this two person society. Yet since A received a $500 per year tax cut versus $495 for B, this is considered unfair.
Let me be clear: if you can look at the example above and still claim that (a) the rich aren't paying their fair share and/or (b) tax cuts "unfairly" target the rich, you should be wearing a sign that says: "Welcome to Stupidville. Population: me."
January 10, 2011
Listen up, douchebags
I don't blame Al Gore and his tiresome screed for the Unabomber. Please don't waste your breath trying to convince me that Sarah Palin was behind the Tuscon shooting. While I know for a fact that the Unabomber read Gore (there was a well worn copy of Bullshit In the Balance in his shack) and have to date not seen anything that verifies the Tuscon shooter read anything Palin every wrote, I'll simply state that the Unabomber was an evil whacko. I'd appreciate it if you'd kindly pull your collective heads out of your asses and do me the same favor.
Assholes.
January 05, 2011
A beer lover's diet
Are you doing the "Beer-Me" Diet plan year 'round to lose weight?
What do you mean, you aren't familiar with that particular diet? Look no further than below...
========================================
The "Beer-Me" Diet
It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
- Fact: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.
- Fact: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
- Fact: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
- Fact: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.
- Fact: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.
- Fact: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
- Fact: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.
- Fact: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.
Caution: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
- Monday through Thursday: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.
- Friday: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
- Saturday: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from the 7 Eleven). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.
- Saturday (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog t 364 hat bit you." This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.
- Sunday (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.
- Monday: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.
December 18, 2010
What if Santa answered his letters truthfully?
All repeats, all the time!
=========================================
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud
boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE
can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Damien
Dear Damien,
Who names their kid "Damien" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle
of scotch.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind
by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey,you wanted to know.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house?
Love,
Joey
Joe,
First, stop calling yourself "Joey", that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
November 30, 2010
Still at it
Truthfully, I'm never certain how to categorize Ms. Catalano, but she usually makes me laugh. Have at it.
Oh, Christmas tree (repost)
Reposted from last year. Expect. more reruns until EOY; I'm quite busy.
================================================
While some of you might think that the picture below is cute and creative, what you're missing is that it's a crime against nature. Look closely and see if you can spot what's wrong.
Repost: night before Christmas parody?
I posted this last year and got no takers. Perhaps someone can help me out of my misery this year. I believe that I heard it on the John Boy and Billy Bob (or whatever they're called) while Christmas shopping.
========================================
To any and all who read this: last weekend while out and about, I heard a bit on the radio which I supposed could be called "The Shatner Before Christmas". Actually, I don't know what it was named, I'm just guessing. Anyway, it was a comedian spoofing Shatner's inimitable delivery doing a Star Trek: TOS version of The Night Before Christmas. I've searched around the Intertubes and haven't been able to find the audio yet in any format. Here are some particulars of the bit:
- "Kirk" does the whole narration, mentioningg Uhura, Spock and Bones by name
- Klingon C(K?)laus makes an appearance
- Kirk's gift is "a girdle with a message that said 'Just your size'"
- Kirk then blows Klingon Claus to smithereens with photon torpedoes
No, I can't remember which radio station I was listening to, as I was busy trying to avoid commercials. If I knew which station it was, I could call the station and ask. Anyway, has anyone else heard this? More to the point, does anyone know what it's actually called and where I can find it?
Poop
So Blogrolling has gone the way of the dodo. Now I have to rebuild my blogroll. From scratch. And I'm lazy. Oh well, time for more beer.
Oh yeah: I plan to blog on a regular basis again. Child #3 has been taking a lot of my time, for which I'm immensely grateful, but it's time to hop back in the saddle again.
November 03, 2010
October 31, 2010
Wanna see something really scary?
Halloween images: some funny, some sick, most both. Some most definitely not safe for work, so be careful before you click.
