February 01, 2010
Priceless
Received via email:
INNOCENCE IS PRICELESSOne Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' 'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? ' The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
'Which service, the 8:45 or the 11:00?'
Stumble It!Sad news
James Joyner's father passed away this weekend. James typed a remembrance in his usual thoughtful style. Drop by and offer your condolences if you're so inclined.
Funny, but painful
Received via email:
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
No mention of Depends. I'm sure that it's just an oversight.
January 28, 2010
Joke of the day
Pulled out of some old emails at home:
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.
"How's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie"
"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day!"
January 26, 2010
Geeky fun
Do you play Wizard101, but wish you didn't have to play it in Windows? Well, some bright person figured out how to install/play it using Wine in Ubuntu.
January 19, 2010
Cleaning your PC
Malware/spyware authors can bite me. Hard. I spent hours this past weekend cleaning off crap from my PC. The crapware has gotten smarer, too: it either renames and prevents from running some of my antimalware programs, prevents me from opening task manager to kill the process, or both. I'm relegated to booting from a write-protected CD to disinfect my hard drive. Actually, that is a fine and dandy thing to do and is how you should proceed with your malware removal.
What's that, you say? You're running up-to-date antivirus software (McAfee. Norton, AVG) and you never visit pr0n sites, so you MUST be okay, right? RIGHT? WRONG. Unless your computer isn't connected -EVER- to the Internet and you never install 3rd party software on your PC, you're at risk. In fact, I'd say that the odds of you having a current infection are probably 50-50, and I consider that an optimistic assessment. In any event, here are some things that you should be doing, and software that you should be running, on a regular basis.
Malwarebytes Anti-Malware
Top of the line spyware, malware and general bad software identification and removal tool. It's a commercial product, but you can use it for free forever as long as you plan to run all of the scans manually. There are benefits to purchasing the software, but I haven't. However, be sure to perform the update each time you run the software. Perform the quick scan first and have Malwarebytes remove all problems it finds (exception: McAfee disables Windows security center, so you should uncheck that particular box in the results pane). Reboot and run the thorough scan, removing everything it finds.
Note The infection I just had renamed mbam.exe to dork.exe and, when I tried reinstalling it, did it again. Also, the dork.exe file is corrupted and cannot be run. Which leads me to the next product.
Spybot Search and Destroy
This is extremely robust antimalware/antispyware software, and it's always free. The creators do accept donations, and it's not a bad idea to do so, since they work hard to keep Spybot S&D up to date. Anyway, run the scan (let it remove all of the temp files when it asks) and go grab an enormous cup of coffee as it takes a while. When it's done, examine the results and choose which ones to fix. Again, it identifies when Windows security center has been disabled, so feel free to uncheck that box if you're running McAfee or Norton. When it's complete, it might suggest that you reboot and have it automatically load upon restart. Say yes, as S&D manages to load itself before most Windows programs (and malware). After fixing all of the problems it finds, make sure that you have Tea Timer (resident program that searches for registry changes and such) load automatically. Also, run the innoculation for IE and Firefox. This adds some passive protections to your browsers and every added layer is helpful. This process takes a little while, but it's well worth it.
IObit Security 360
IObit 360 is good piece of antimalware which has three things going for it: it is and probably will always remain free; it works pretty well; and it has a feature that allows you to create an entirely portable version of the software, which you can then load on a bootable CD (BartPE anyone?) or USB stick. The portable version is what cleaned my PC enough to allow me to successfully run Malwarebytes Anti-Malware, so I give it a thumbs up.
Super Antispyware
Super Antispyware is still another weapon in your "screw you, assholes" arsenal of antimalware. Much like Malwarebytes, it's commercial, but you can use the free version forever, which means that you don't get any automatic updates or scans. But since I like being in control, having to run the updates and scans myself is simply a bonus. YMMV.
Other Tools for the Toolbox
These are quite helpful and I highly recommend using them on a regular basis. I won't go into any detail here, but rather simply link to them.
CCleaner
BartPE bootable CD/thumb drive with these tools on them and do your disinfecting from there.
IMPORTANT***: Be sure to back up your data before performing these tasks. Malware has a tendency to fubar your hard drive, especially when you try to clean it. Forewarned is forearmed.
Update: I forgot to mention BitDeffender Rescue CD. BitDefender is a commercial product, but they offer a Linux-based (Knoppix) bootable CD which does a bit by bit scan of your entire system. This takes a while, so start it right before bedtime and don't worry about it until morning. Full disclosure: one of my home computers will not boot, failing at the X-Windows load. I've tried adding the command "all_generic_ide irqpoll" at the end of the default options, but it still won't work. I've got a help request in to the support center, but I expect the reply to be slow in coming, as they focus their attention on their commercial products. For the record, I give the thumbs up to their pay option. It works great. But if you want to save the Benjamins, try the free option, which they will update to the latest version of Knoppix sometime this year. Download the latest ISO image here.
Update Mike Duncan from Superantispyware (really!) posted the following comment which provides even more useful information about ridding yourselves of the bane of my PC's existence:
I took note of your issue with a renamed exe file due to infection. We have a couple of tools that may help in those cases. Our online scanner is available at www.superantispyware.com/onlinescan.html and can be run if infection blocks exe files or hinders software installation. Our new, portable version is available at www.superantispyware.com/portable and can be run from a USB drive without software installation or internet access. Both tools are free for home/personal users.
Interesting. You never know who will stop by. I guess it's a good thing that I kept the salty language to a minimum in this post. Anyway, thanks to Mike Duncan for providing the update. It's greatly appreciated.
Update: You know what's interesting? The things on your PC that will work properly once you disinfected them. There is some risk removing spyware. Some of them dig their roots so deeply into your system that your PC can be rendered not bootable upon removal of the crap. However, using the IObit 360 tool above actually fixed my wife's computer. Her computer had been damaged by some malware months ago and once a day, she would be unable to browse the Internet. You could ping sites in a DOS prompt, but the browser would simply fail to load websites. Best I could tell, the socket was corrupted. The problem could be temporarily fixed by rebooting, but that solution wasn't making the spousal unit happy. Anyway, after using the toolkit above, I finally noticed that my wife's computer hadn't had to be rebooted in a week. She's happy, and so am I.
Oh sure, I could have wiped the disk and started over, but it's kind of a last ditch approach. The data was backed up (I'm anal about that), but I hate having to rebuild a system to get it to where I like it. It's a sucky task, albeit a sometimes necessary one. I'm glad that I didn't have to do that in this case.
Update to the update: I just checked out Superantispyware Portable and it has a killer feature:
You might wonder why a portable version is so important… the problem is that the worst malware infections block you from installing malware removal software, and even if you manage to get it installed, most of the time when you try and launch it, you’ll get an error like this one:
Note: that’s a real screenshot from a real virus that we cleaned with SUPERAntiSpyware Portable.
SUPERAntiSpyware Portable solves this problem by not only giving you a completely portable version of the application, which consists of a single file you can copy to your USB drive without requiring installation, but it also automatically gives you a random filename so the malware can’t detect it as easily.
That's so awesome that I want to grab some butterscotch pudding a la Ace last night to, well, you know.
January 14, 2010
January 13, 2010
Worth 1000 words
Scott Brown isn't running for Ted Kennedy's seat. THIS was- or should have been- Ted Kennedy's seat.
January 11, 2010
Good news?
Assuming that the main page here is correct, we could be treated to the re-emergence of Asparagirl back onto the blogging scene.
asparagirl is getting a makeover Check back in the spring to see the tenth anniversary redesign!
I hope that it's true. She was one of the first blogs that I read every day and I found Bill Whittle (and from thence to Rachel Lucas) and Stephen Green via links at the top of her former location. You might say that Brooke was patient zero in the creation of my addiction to blogs.
January 08, 2010
Callisto is my favorite, too
So Glenn Reynolds' daughter is a big fan of Callisto, huh? Me too. Check out these images:
click to expand
Oh, wait a minute. Maybe that's not what she meant after all...
January 06, 2010
LOTR the way it could have been
Some time ago, CalTech Girl posted this animated gif of a different LOTR. While I'm far too lazy to look it up again I can't seem to find the link anymore, I thought that it was worth reposting. Apparently Boromir is more savvy that we originally thought.
If Dear Abby were a man
An oldie, but it still makes me laugh.
============================================
Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior-And it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, cooking him a nice meal and not mentioning his behavior.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, cooking a nice meal and not mentioning this behavior.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
January 04, 2010
Nothing is safe. Nothing.
All my childhood memories are now ash in the Rule 34 waste bin:
On the other hand, Rule 5 still makes me quite happy. Here are some former female child stars who grew up quite nicely.
December 29, 2009
December 21, 2009
What if Santa answered his letters truthfully? (repost)
All repeats, all the time!
=========================================
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud
boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE
can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Damien
Dear Damien,
Who names their kid "Damien" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle
of scotch.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind
by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey,you wanted to know.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house?
Love,
Joey
Joe,
First, stop calling yourself "Joey", that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Twelve Days of Christmas (repost)
Not only did I post this last year, I've sent it out via email for more than 10 years. I promised you old and stale, and I've delivered ancient and decayed. No thanks are necessary.
===============================================
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge
in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a
hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They
are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling
but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
=================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What
kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's
not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8
maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a
milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the
lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict
me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the
cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river
of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen F--khead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies?
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the
maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three
of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
You're sworn enemy,
Agnes
================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes
McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention. If you should
attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium,
the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
Diary of a snow shoveller
In honor of the first snowfall in the Richmond area this year, I give you the following re-post:
========================================
Snow... Snow... Snow... Snow...
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like
a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I
love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there
be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad
he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour. Which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing
to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're
too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're
out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't
melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a
plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy.
I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0o. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she
nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling
and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow
all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the
goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1
slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God
I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful
Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30o and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
* * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
Martha Stewar holiday humor (repost)
And another from the not-so-wayback machine...
=================================
No holiday season would be complete without swatting the smug grin off of Martha Stewart's face. I give you the following:
When you read or listen to Martha Stewart's hints and advice, do you think to yourself "I could do that"? Then, you follow that thought with "What is wrong with me? Am I just a waste of good air?"
If this is you, then read on ...
MARTHA STEWART'S HOLIDAY CALENDAR
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turnupside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine tails. Flog Gardener.December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.December 7
Debug Windows '98December 8
Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with
beeswax from my backyard bee colony.December 9
Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument
accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved
ones.December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.December 11
Lay Faberge egg.December 12
Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled
myself.Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by
handmaking snow and playing my Christmas album.December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall.December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.December 28
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.December 29
Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved myself
used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local
orphanages.December 30
Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive
branches, to signify desire of world peace.December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each
time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
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And a special letter to Santa. It's so good that I wish I had written it.
Dear Santa,
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.
OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.
We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."
Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!
That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?
In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!
Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.
She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends." Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.
Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).
The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge!
A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.
If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right? When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.
There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.
Sincerely,
A Hopeful "Child"
Everything that you know about Rudolph is wrong (repost)
Later, rinse, repost.
================================================
Michele reposted her classic rewrite of one of the holiday season's favorite TV specials. Excerpt:
So what happens? Does Rudolph finally have enough of the bullying and dons a trenchcoat, listens to Marilyn Manson and mows down his enemies? No, Rudolph goes off on an adventure. He escapes his problems instead of confronting them. When you think about it, running away on adventure isn't so bad, as he could have turned to a life on the streets, doing "favors" for old barflys in exchange for salt licks.
I really missed Michele's blogging during her absence. And her post put me in mind to repost an old image:
And still more holiday images (repost)
Lather, rinse, repost.
And here's one that you won't want to see.
Barbie's letter to Santa (repost)
Don't say that I didn't warn you about the Christmas-time repeats...
===============================
Barbie's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea
parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY
BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas,
or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't
wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
and velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to
my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boy toy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior
account exec!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a
bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs;
or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with
several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours Truly,
Barbie
----------------------------
Ken's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you
for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and
career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging
remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my
fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you
of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and
desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel
Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has
everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have
a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability
to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am
forced to mix and match at great length.
My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered
"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such
as:
"S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new
markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me
away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.
Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've
talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions
to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and
others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's
what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
December 17, 2009
That's just... creepy
You do know that beer is "living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy," right? Did you also know that God has a wicked sense of humor and, more importantly, he freaking hates Al Gore? The timing is uncanny and, dare I say, lovely. Why lovely? Because Gore is a pretentious, bombastic, know-nothing douche of a politician filled with a completely undeserved sense of self-importance and I giggle like a little girl when I see him get Godslapped upside his carbon-emitting-by-the-freaking-truckload cakehole.
Thanks to Ace for the link.
Brain damage
I've stopped reading Batshit Crazy Juice most of the time because, well, if I'm going to read drug-induced fiction, I'll pull out out my Edgar Allen Poe books. However, once in a while I click over to see what the Daily Dementia ™ (sorry for stealing your byline, Sully) is. Today I did it and I can't say that I regretted doing so. I needed a good laugh and the clusterfark at Bugfuck Crazy Urine provided it. It's like watching a paranoid schizophrenic chimpanzee suffering from ADD trying to type coherent sentences expounding on the general theory of relativity. It's entertaining for a while, what with all the screeching and poo flinging, but eventually it becomes simply boring, and then it's time to move on.
I won't link to him these days because he's, well, nuts and a dick, but I saw that Cole made the following comment:
Ehh. We humans had a good run.
What you mean we, white man? I suggest that you get your DNA tested because I think that you're mistaken in your belief.
